Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Hidden sin, hurting heart, blind church

So somewhere earlier I sniffed another post brewing. I've been thinking on it, ya know, exactly how much did I want to share. I figure why hold anything back? Mostly because that is the problem with this sin. It's so taboo for women in the church. It's a "man's sin". And for those of us who struggle, where do we turn for support?
Some readers may know of my past, some may not. Here goes:
Starting from age 3, up until age 16, I was a victim of incest. I am proud to be a survivor. However, no survivor is without lingering wounds. Some of those may seem so harmless to those outside the faith, yet for those of us in Christ, so damaging. I submit this verse, before I tell the rest of my tale.

Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
For one who struggles with hypersexuality, aka sex addiction, this verse feels like condemnation. Often when we hear of lust, we think of a man sitting in front of his computer, looking at porn. Not too often does one think of the housewife who exhibits none of those signs and signals that immediately come to mind.
For as long as I can remember, my every thought had a sexual tinge to it. Most people know the phrase, "Looking through rose colored glasses."? Well, I looked through lenses that colored everything red and sensual. Once I began therapy as an adult, I mentioned this "preoccupation" with all things sexual with each of my clinicians and psychiatrists. While each of them agreed that my past abuse put me in a place that from a young age, all I knew was my "sexual worth", none thought it was a very big deal. Many times I have wondered how this has effected my quality of life. Like how would it be to be normal and not think like this every minute of every day? It really hit the fan when I began an affair online with "T" back in 2006. I could not control myself when it came to my lust for him. It took over like a drug. I really do believe that it is an addiction I have, not a "side effect" as one therapist put it. Anyway, it got to the point that I was not only neglecting Mr. P. for "T" but also my kids and home as well. Looking back, that is what made me file for divorce. It took over a year for me to break my addiction to "T", and that was only with the Lord's help. Yet, I still struggle daily with lust for men other than my husband. (although now not ones we personally know...ah Neal...)
The Word tells me that in my heart, I'm no better off than had I actually gone out and committed adultery. Some days it feels like I have in fact cheated, especially when I have had a particularly vivid dream that sticks with me all day. Now, the world will tell me that it's not a big deal. After all, I'm not *really* sleeping with anyone but Mr. P. But what's happening in my heart? What is happening to my soul?
I will say that it is no longer as bad as it used to be. God has granted me a measure of victory over it, as I grow in faith and heal from my past. It does still take control from time to time though. Not like with "T", but enough to make me question my sanity. I have never spoke these words to another soul. I've seen enough of how women in the church speak of their menfolk who struggle to know how much worse it would be for a woman in that boat. What is a sister like me to do? Accountability is not an option. Shame keeps one quiet. Misunderstanding about the nature of sins and addiction (and yes, this applies to myself as well. I definitely feel the weight of "hypocrite" right now) runs rampant among us humans.
Until that day, I'll just keep praying for the complete victory I know is coming my way. I trust in His promises.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Til next squeak,

2 Squeaks from the Maze:

Anonymous said...

We (specifically Christians, I think) tend to paste on a smiley face and keep things hidden, but that's not how we grow or help each other grow. Thank you for being willing to lay it all out.

Mrs. P. said...

Jamie, thanks for stopping by! And thanks for speaking out in love for our bretheren as well. :)

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