The unexpected places

Sometimes, it not only takes me by surprise, but amazes me entirely the way God can speak to our hearts.
In the last 5 months or so, I've been battling depression...again. In my life, I've been in treatment 4+ years for various mental disorders. And a few years ago, I thought, by the grace of God, I'd had it licked.
Guess I was wrong.
As I sunk lower into myself and the hurts I've been feeling, I drifted farther away from my Lord and Savior. Oftentimes, I felt as though I've been talking to brick wall when it came to my prayers and times of seeking His face. Where was He when my heart was breaking? Didn't He always promise to be with us every step of the way? Why are all these things happening to me? Did I screw up big time, or is there a meaning to all this?
While those questions still plague me, God found me today. Or rather, I found Him in a very unexpected place.
Earlier, I wrote an email to a dear sister in Christ. And while I was sharing my heart with her, our Lord shared His with me.
I don't know how many of you were taught to swim by being tossed unceremoniously into the pool by your dad. Lord knows I was! Picture for a moment, the small child being scooped up into her daddy's safe embrace. As he walks towards the cool blue waters, she feels no fear. But then, all that is gone in an instant. She finds herself sinking fast, wondering why her loving father would toss her away, sinking into deeper waters than she could handle.
As she flounders in the pool, kicking with all her might, her father looks on, knowing just when he should intervene.
One moment she's terrified, darkness closing in around her. The next, she feels her daddy's strong arms around her, pulling her to safety.
You know, I think God is like that too, except with deeper knowledge of pool safety.
Deep water faith in the shallow end. That's how most of us live our lives of faith. Confident we can handle what comes our way because, after all, our heads are way above water. And one day, our Father scoops us up for that walk to deeper waters. He knows we can not only survive it, but grow to be stronger swimmers from some time in the deep end of the pool. And with a heart stopping plunge, we find ourselves in a sink-or-swim situation. I'll be the first to admit that the struggle for the surface can be harrowing. However, once we can clear the water from our ears, we can be sure to hear His voice.
"Did you know you could do that, My darling child? Know that I'm always watching over you as test out these deeper waters. Under My watchful eye, you'll grow to be comfortable and confident in the pool. And should you need Me, I'm right here to pull you out."
Yes, God can find us in some unexpected places. Be it poolside or simply in front of our inbox.

Til next squeak,

Testing my randomness

Welcome to Random Rambling 101. No, you haven't lost your mind. But clearly, I'm losing mine.

I'm known for my mouth. As in my mouth tends to get me in deep trouble. Each time I go through these periods where I am no longer able to keep my pie hole shut, I find myself praying. I usually end up telling God that I don't wanna be this way, that I want to be able to have the grace to shut the frig up in all situations.
Heh. Careful whatcha pray for. Lately it seems that even on the days I'd like to yammer the day away, I can't. After many years of sticking my foot in my mouth, apparently, God decided to duct tape it shut while said appendage was jammed deep in there.

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I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned on this blog a time or 2 my disdain for the movie Fireproof. My ongoing point in the seemingly endless debate over this movie has been that watching a movie is not a cure-all for a floundering marriage, and all the ideals and principals taught in the movie can be had simply by praying, reading the Word, and most importantly, waiting on God.
Many times I've been told that my judgement of this movie was wildly inaccurate, mostly in part to my refusal to waste my money watching it.
And then came Netflix...
Mr. P. and I popped Fireproof onto our queue. And a few weeks ago, it arrived. Admittedly, we sat on it. It was in our home for a good week and a half before we cracked it open. Our initial plan was to completely obliterated with Mr. Grey Goose before seeing this flick. Somehow, that never happened. Yes, I watched Fireproof stone-cold sober.
LE GASP!
We actually ended up watching with our 5 year old son, Tank. I will say that if you are the kinda parent who is not too terribly concerned about censoring your kids, it can be a family appropriate movie. This is particularly true if you like grabbing those "teachable moments" by the horn.
Although I still stand by original theories, I will say that this movie wasn't as horrible as we figured it would be. Both the fire crew and the nurses make this movie, in my opinion. I wish anyone would've mentioned the moments of light-hearted humor in this flick. I think it would've gone a long way towards bolstering my opinion of it. That said, the acting is pretty lame, but you overlook it after about an hour.
What I'm still trying to comprehend is why many Christians claim it is THE way to repair or improve a marriage. If anything, the story shows that saving your marriage is by no means easy or automatic.
For our part, Mr. P. and I both recognized many of the same things we went through and learned in both the year leading up to our near-divorce and the first year of trying to fall back in love. I know I speak for us both when I say that I am so glad we're beyond those trying times.
So, Fireproof ain't all that bad. Would I recommend it to a couple struggling in their marriage? Probably not. But that's just me. I guess I'm still not on the Fireproof bandwagon after all.

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We're in the end-of-the-school-year stretch! w00t! I cannot wait til summer vacation. The sleeping in, the lazy days, the freedom to do things with my sons that I normally wouldn't have the time for! I'm sure that come August, I'll be ready for them to go back. But for now, I'm glad to be where we are.

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This struggle with SI (secondary infertility) has become both easier and harder. Coping with the range of emotions has become a bit easier, especially since severely limiting my online time. However, coping with the reality that we may never have the family size I've come to dream of and pray for has been so very hard. I find myself wondering if it's God punishing me for all the sins and mistakes of my life. I've found only cold comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in those feelings. Many others who experience SI often have moments like these too.
One thing I've learned is to shut the hell up about our struggles or my feelings on this topic. Too many times I've hard my heart ripped out by those who cannot understand all the things that come with SI. Sometimes, protecting oneself from hurt means protecting oneself from people.

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So that's my randomness for the month. I guess I'm still good at purging my mind. Thank God for that much!

Til next squeak,

Church heathen

1st, props if you know the song I stole the title from.
2nd, this topic has been swirling through my mind goo for a few weeks now. It's pretty hot button, so it'll fit perfectly here.
I'm quoting from a friend's post on my message board. While I love what she said further on (it really REALLY challenges the way we as a church treat sin/sinners), I'm completely enamored of the basic concept as well.

You know what? Divorce makes me sick. It is an abomination!! It is unnatural! How do you take apart two people when they have been made one! God actually says in the bible that he hates divorce! And it is SO SICK, there are divorced people at my CHURCH! And you know what, we can't preach against divorce because it might offend them, and if we offend them we can get sued! But some pastors even preach that divorce is okay! UGH. The divorced people are hindering church for the rest of us. And you know what is worse? They are teaching my kids in school that divorce is OKAY! Even some of the TEACHERS are divorced!! Isn't the disgusting? There are tons of parents in my kids class that are divorced too... it just makes me so sick, I wish there was a law banning divorce!

Now think about that for a second.
That rant should sound familiar to anyone who has ever attended church. Simply insert the word "homosexual" wherever you see "divorce".
Hmmm. Makes you sit back, doesn't it?
While my dear Snarfy had a fantastic point, I want to address the original point.
What if, just what if, we as a church body actually did take a radical stand against divorce? Hmmm, wait, I know the church prefers "pro" stand points. So, what if we became passionately pro-marriage?
I don't mean making sure that no one besides heterosexual couples can marry. Currently, that's the stand we as a people of faith take. I mean making divorce the life destroying sin that it is. Divorce is not a choice to toss around so flippantly as we currently do. I see nowhere in God's word that says it's fine to split if you no longer get along. Hell, even abuse is not a reason to divorce! And frankly, what with the Jon and Kate scandal, let's remember that even adultery is not a reason to divorce. We are "allowed" divorce for unfaithfulness because of the hardness of our hearts. Pretty sad, huh? Isn't it far better to pray for a softening of the marriage partners' hearts unto reconciliation?
Matthew 19
Divorce
1When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Now it's not as though I have no clue what I'm talking about. Mr. P. and I very nearly divorced. I cheated on him! Yet here we are today, strong in our marriage with our hearts joined to each other as it should be.
What if we stopped teaching our kids that divorce is an option? Ya know, we tell them that by the example we set in our own lives. What do you think marriage would look like if we taught our kids this simple concept?
We as a church say that marriage is a living example of Christ's relationship with us. Oh really? Do you think He'd ditch us and ask for alimony? Frankly, we all cheat on the Lord all the time. Too much time online? Coveting your neighbor's green lawn and nice new Lincoln? Perhaps obsessing over your charts and spending all your waking thoughts desiring the next blessing? ( ) All these are examples of giving our love, devotion, and attention to something other than our Husband. Yet, He never leaves us by the wayside. Why, if we're saying that our marriages are pictures of this beauty, would we ever consider divorce for any reason at all? Why would we allow our kids to think it's an "acceptable sin"?
No sin is worse than any other. However, in the church we've come to a place where some are considered by us fallible mortals to be far more deserving of our venom or passion than others. And that, Dear Reader, has contributed to the dividing line between "Body parts". When the mouth is no longer speaking with the eyes, and the hand has not a thing to do with the foot, where do we end up?
A bunch of church heathens, gossiping in the pews.
Just think on it for a bit. If we treated divorcees half as poorly as we treated homosexuals, then how would outsiders look at us? And if we took a stand and lived what we preached, then how would they see us?

Til next squeak,

God hates liberals...

Right? Isn't that what we're taught in church? Stick a big red "L" on their shirts and let's all call it a day.
It's no secret to most that I'm proudly liberal leaning. It's also no secret that the vast majority of the people I know are quite conservative.
That said, it should also come as no surprise that I've been feeling lost and miserable, kinda floating along without friends.
I have been wondering for awhile now why God has brought me into the company of so very many conservative people. If we serve a God who truly has our very best in mind, then what the dealio?
In the last 3 years, I've tried on and off to become more conservative, both in my manner and my thoughts. Can we say epic fail? Each time I try, I just end up...well, where I am right now. Feeling like a fool who lacks the very thing that makes one a Christian.
All these feelings are part of what makes me avoid church. I haven't been since October '08. I know I should go back, believe me I do. But I just can't. Feeling this way makes me vastly edit what I say, or simply say nothing at all. (I bet you're thinking "Ahhh, so that explains the recent long silences!") That is both in my online interactions, and in real life. (IRL!)
When you feel like you have to tread on eggshells around everyone in your life, it can make a person very jumpy. Sometimes it's easier to withdraw into my little family and forget there's even a larger world out there. When you come down to it, if you have to keep your heart hidden away from those you call friend, really what kind of friendship is that? Or if you have to refrain from speaking up about the hurts and slights you may feel because you are the minority, how is that building up the Body of Christ?
I guess I'm feeling pretty disillusioned with the whole inner workings of Christian fellowship right now. I'm sure we all go through phases like this, but it seems God brings me here regularly. Do I think He wants me to become like those He draws me to? Lord, I'm on my knees crying out "NO!" Please? But if the Body is the true reflection of Him as we often pray to be, claim to be, then perhaps God does hate liberals. And maybe that is why I am where I so often find myself. I pray the answer comes soon.

Til next squeak,

The view from here

There was once a time in my life when I'd would just talk a person's ear off, especially if I was going through some emotional turmoil.
These days, I find myself withdrawing and turning to nothing in particular. It's an odd place to be. Sitting at the 'puter and staring blankly at the screen all day has not been fun.
I keep thinking of the trip to Disney World my family took back when I was 11 or 12 years old. When our plane reached Atlanta, we spent over an hour circling the airport. Why? Nasty storms had descended upon the area but from our vantage, things looked more or less fine.
Perhaps that's what is going on in my life now. Maybe God has me in a holding pattern because from where I sit, I can't see the storms He's protecting me from. I'd imagine we've all seen that bumper sticker that reads "God is my co-pilot". What a strange thing to feel in action though.
There's been so very much on my mind and my heart lately that I can't find the words for. Everything seems to have been put on pause for now. I'm not sure why God has chosen to leave me in this spot, waiting. The part of me that continually struggles to grow in faith feels like an abandoned child. The other part of me, the part that speaks in cool tones of reason, tells me that Father knows best, and much like that plane trip of long ago, sometimes the weather isn't always as peachy as it would seem to be.
I don't know about you, but there are times I wish I could see clearly from God's spot on the tarmac. You would think the view from up here would be so much more enthralling. But once you're above those clouds, well, that's all you see. You need your man on the ground to bring you in safely. You've got to trust in his judgement, no matter how you may long to land that bird and go have a glass of wine.
I'm still clinging to the hope that some day, God will tell me to come on down from above these as-yet-unseen-by-me storm clouds. The view from here is getting bland and tiring. Til then though, there's not much to do but wait on instructions from my Man on the ground.

Til next squeak,

Spiritual load time

I don't know if anyone else feels like this from time to time. For me, whenever God is trying to teach me something, it involves waiting. Because I'm thick-headed, I rage against this spiritual load time. This poem just about ripped my hurting heart out but in a good way! I thought I'd share it for anyone else going through a period of waiting on the Lord.
Wait by Russell Kelfer

Til next squeak,

Act your age

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There's been a lot going on both in my head, and in my life lately. And since I am sick while typing this, chances are, not much will make sense. But hey, that's alright. I think sensical wordings are for the weak, and oddball trips into the fantastic for the brave hearted. Or just those trippin' on NyQuil.
So like I said, I'm sick. We're all sick here at Casa de P. (note to self...house of P does not sound so great actually) It's been a fun week.
If you are a regular reader, or care to look back to last month, you'll know I recently took my GED test. Good news, I passed. With honors. I'm stunned. Looks like this lil mousie will be moving on to college in the fall.
Mr. P. and I have had some great outings in recent weeks. We've gone to see Watchmen, gone to the casino, and spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other's company. In true gamer-dork fashion, our best moments have been while playing video games together. Hey babe, there's no place to put that!
While all these things have been going on, what goes through my mind the most is that I am nearing my 28th birthday. Somehow, I feel old. I never thought I would even feel adult, never mind elderly. Perhaps it's some of the stress I've been under, or perhaps it's the emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just that ol' specter of the big 3-0 looming over me. After all, it's only 2 years away.
March is not only the month of my birth, but also the month of my rebirth. It's been 3 years now since I fell into Jesus' arms. Somehow, I feel worn out. I've noticed that this can often be a hard confession to make in the Christian community, but here it is. I've backslidden. Hard. I know that at this point, I'm not where I should be in my faith. Now there's a tough realization to come to. Mostly because once you admit it, it then becomes a case of what do you do then?
Honestly, I am not sure. The obvious answer would be to go back to church, pick up my Bible once again, get back down on my knees before the Lord. And yet somehow that all seems so difficult. It's not that I love my Savior any less. It's more that life now seems so big. Between the kids, my husband, our home, the economy, my overblown emotions, my mother, my friends, and this wildly crazystupidaddicting thing we call the internet, making time every day for Him always seems to take a back seat.
Now I know I'm not the only one in that respect. Many mothers have similar issues. Our lives of caring for our kids and homes seem to take up so much. It's more or less universal. It's just that so many moms make it look effortless to maintain a full and growing spiritual life while nurturing a full and growing family. Covet not thy neighbor's mad organizational and time management skills, I suppose.
So some days I feel old. Creaking in my joints kinda old. Then again, I also know that I rarely act my age. After all, I am confessing to choosing video games and comic books over the Bible and prayer time.
Honestly, I'm not sure how to move on from this point. A worldly bit of advice that was tossed around in my childhood was to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hop to. I've been under the impression that when it comes to matters of faith, trusting on the Lord to pull you up is of far more import than hauling your own sorry butt around.
Well, all that to say that I am in a not so great spot mentally, but pretty rawkin' spot in every other sense. Unfortunately, it's probably gonna effect my blogging. I do apologize for any tantrums and whining rambles that may come forth in the next few months. It's all a side effect of trying to act my age.

Til next squeak,