Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

God hates liberals...

Right? Isn't that what we're taught in church? Stick a big red "L" on their shirts and let's all call it a day.
It's no secret to most that I'm proudly liberal leaning. It's also no secret that the vast majority of the people I know are quite conservative.
That said, it should also come as no surprise that I've been feeling lost and miserable, kinda floating along without friends.
I have been wondering for awhile now why God has brought me into the company of so very many conservative people. If we serve a God who truly has our very best in mind, then what the dealio?
In the last 3 years, I've tried on and off to become more conservative, both in my manner and my thoughts. Can we say epic fail? Each time I try, I just end up...well, where I am right now. Feeling like a fool who lacks the very thing that makes one a Christian.
All these feelings are part of what makes me avoid church. I haven't been since October '08. I know I should go back, believe me I do. But I just can't. Feeling this way makes me vastly edit what I say, or simply say nothing at all. (I bet you're thinking "Ahhh, so that explains the recent long silences!") That is both in my online interactions, and in real life. (IRL!)
When you feel like you have to tread on eggshells around everyone in your life, it can make a person very jumpy. Sometimes it's easier to withdraw into my little family and forget there's even a larger world out there. When you come down to it, if you have to keep your heart hidden away from those you call friend, really what kind of friendship is that? Or if you have to refrain from speaking up about the hurts and slights you may feel because you are the minority, how is that building up the Body of Christ?
I guess I'm feeling pretty disillusioned with the whole inner workings of Christian fellowship right now. I'm sure we all go through phases like this, but it seems God brings me here regularly. Do I think He wants me to become like those He draws me to? Lord, I'm on my knees crying out "NO!" Please? But if the Body is the true reflection of Him as we often pray to be, claim to be, then perhaps God does hate liberals. And maybe that is why I am where I so often find myself. I pray the answer comes soon.

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The view from here

There was once a time in my life when I'd would just talk a person's ear off, especially if I was going through some emotional turmoil.
These days, I find myself withdrawing and turning to nothing in particular. It's an odd place to be. Sitting at the 'puter and staring blankly at the screen all day has not been fun.
I keep thinking of the trip to Disney World my family took back when I was 11 or 12 years old. When our plane reached Atlanta, we spent over an hour circling the airport. Why? Nasty storms had descended upon the area but from our vantage, things looked more or less fine.
Perhaps that's what is going on in my life now. Maybe God has me in a holding pattern because from where I sit, I can't see the storms He's protecting me from. I'd imagine we've all seen that bumper sticker that reads "God is my co-pilot". What a strange thing to feel in action though.
There's been so very much on my mind and my heart lately that I can't find the words for. Everything seems to have been put on pause for now. I'm not sure why God has chosen to leave me in this spot, waiting. The part of me that continually struggles to grow in faith feels like an abandoned child. The other part of me, the part that speaks in cool tones of reason, tells me that Father knows best, and much like that plane trip of long ago, sometimes the weather isn't always as peachy as it would seem to be.
I don't know about you, but there are times I wish I could see clearly from God's spot on the tarmac. You would think the view from up here would be so much more enthralling. But once you're above those clouds, well, that's all you see. You need your man on the ground to bring you in safely. You've got to trust in his judgement, no matter how you may long to land that bird and go have a glass of wine.
I'm still clinging to the hope that some day, God will tell me to come on down from above these as-yet-unseen-by-me storm clouds. The view from here is getting bland and tiring. Til then though, there's not much to do but wait on instructions from my Man on the ground.

Til next squeak,

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