Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday Meme

It's been quite a long time since I've done one of these. So long that when a friend mentioned she was getting a meme up and running, my first thought was "Hey, I used to meme along with Cat! Why'd I ever stop doing that anyway?" So, conveniently, it's Monday, and here's the meme!
1) When were you most selfish? Least selfish? Hmmm, I don't know if I've ever been selfish enough to earn a selfish bitchcake, but then again, perhaps I have. My best guess would be any time I steal the Xbox 360 when Mr. P. or the kids want it. And that's at least a few times a week. Least selfish? Each and every time I deal with my in-laws.
2) Who is the best person for you to talk to when you have the blues? My hubby, hands down. He always makes me laugh, or at least gives me a furry shoulder to cry on.
3) Do you ever take naps during the day? I'm a lazy SAHM. Need I say more?
4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.

It makes me think of all the times I have to tell the boys to get stuff out of their mouths. A+ parenting huh?

Til next squeak,

Monday, September 21, 2009

Under construction


So, I'm changing some things up. Clearly. If any of you have linked to me on your blogs, please let me know so I can do the same for you here. I've lost track of everything as I've been taking time off. Thanks everyone!

Til next squeak,

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fertile ground

I'm infertile. I have a hard time saying that, even now. I know it in my head, but my heart screams out denials. When I first threw in the towel, followed God's prodding, and adopted quiverfull ideals (I'm still loathe to say "convictions"), I assumed I'd become pregnant shortly thereafter. Ha. I guess God had a lot more to show me than just trusting Him for my family size.
Hebrews 11:39,40. This just jumped out at me this week at the grocery store, of all places. (iPod apps are wonderful for this sort of thing)

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

If you are at all familiar with this chapter, you'll know that it's commonly referred to as the Hall of Faith (or sometimes Hall of Fame) chapter. Hmmm. Among many things us Christians tend to believe in the Bible, one of the biggies is that all God's promises are for us. After reading this chapter, particularly those verses, I'm sure that's not the case.
It's been 2 years now that I've been hoping, praying, and waiting on God to give us a new baby. About 8 months ago, I started to really question myself. Just what was it about me that God hated so much that He wouldn't bless me? Was it this? Was it that? Was it because of this thing I once did, or that thing I'd never do? Why wasn't He fulfilling His promise? What did I do wrong?
In the last 2 months though, God has worked amazing miracles in my heart. He's changed my way of thinking in subtle but stunning measures. He's lifted me from the depths of depression. Mostly, He's given me a compassionate heart where once there was stone. So much of these blessings would never have come if I were not infertile. Had I not been so broken, He couldn't have had the raw material with which to build me up.
Maybe God's promises to bless by opening the womb are not for me. Who knows. But I have learned that a broken heart can provide the Lord with surprisingly fertile ground for other, even more miraculous promises.

Til next squeak,

Friday, August 7, 2009

Top 10 Summer Moments

My regular readers will notice a new label that this post falls under. Today I joined a friend's message board and she has a whole section just for us bloggers! Roll Now how cool is that?
So, this week's assignment is the top ten of summer. Here goes nothing!
1) I finally finished a real knitted project. Not a potholder. Not a test square. A real handwarmer. In soft army green wool. With ribbing! Squeeee!
2) Going to Red Robin with my sisters-in-law. Adult conversation without my kids spilling ketchup on my sleeve was awesome.
3) Hanging out with my long time friend Anna yesterday. God knew I was in need of a friend who understood me beyond just "teh intertubes", and her timing was perfect. Gossip and catching up over burgers is always a wonderful thing.
4) Seeing Disney/Pixar's UP with the kids. Summer movie madness baby.
5) Just hanging out with my boys each day. It's been refreshing to take it slow for awhile after the rush of the school year.
6) Housewarming party at my SIL's place. All family, and no fighting. How perfect is that?
7) Kid-free week with my devoted hubby. Just to spend time together has really recharged my batteries.
8) Getting off the TTC roller coaster. Yeah, sounds kinda strange, but emotionally, I'm so much stronger now that I'm putting God back where He belongs. I think having my boys home from school really let me see just how blessed I am and took away so much of the sting of infertility.
9) Finding out my high blood pressure is gone. Now that's a great moment no matter what time of year it happened!
10) Planning for the start of school. We're all excited about the new school year, and all the possibility that comes with it.

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Swimming upstream

I'm a mother. I'm a Christian. I'm praying my 2 sons will grow to be strong in Christ. Frankly, I think any mom who is in Him would have that as a priority. Unfortunately, these days there's a battle brewing. It's a Mommy War out there.
Mainstream vs. AP. Crunchy vs. soggy. Vaccinations vs. non-vaxxers. Breast vs. bottle. Cloth vs. disposable. Public school vs. private school vs. homeschool. Young moms vs. older moms. Moms of young kids vs. moms of older kids. Moms of 1 kid vs. moms of many. God help us all, it never ends. Any parenting issue you can think of, women can fight over it. Think lunchtime is a total non-issue? Guess again. My blue boxed mac and cheese vs. her homemade, all natural, organic, whole grain mac and vegan cheese substitute. Stop The Insanity
Believe me, I wish I was joking. We moms pay lip service to the whole "as long as they're loved and cared for, that's all that matters" notion. The truth is that if we're not getting in each others' faces about any issue under the sun, we're talking smack about each other in the strangest of ways. Facebook anyone?
These days it confounds me even more that Christian mothers seem to take these battles to a higher level. I suppose that's natural though. Whenever one thinks God is on their side, cockiness is bound to happen. After all, if God is for me, He certainly can't be for you. Toungue Out
If we're supposed to be a Body, functioning as one...
If we're supposed to help each other grow in Him, not cause a sister to stumble and sin...
If we're supposed to love each other as He loves us...
why do I have the sinking suspicion that we are failing on an epic scale?
And as for all the Spy vs. Spy nonsense, let's step back a moment and ask ourselves a few questions. Will my child one day hate me if I did not breastfeed him? Will my child one day thank me for not putting him in cloth diapers? Will my child one day express regret that I vaccinated him? Will my child one day tell me that I thoroughly humiliated him by pushing him in a stroller when he could've been le chic enfant in a Babyhawk? Honestly, I sure hope no one has these kind of conversation starters come from their kids. My sons are 8 and 6 years old. Not once has my 8 year old told me he wished he'd been breastfed instead of bottlefed. Never once has my 6 year old told me he felt neglected because he rode in a double stroller with his brother when we ran errands back in the day.
What my kids do tell me is that they love me. What I tell them is that I love them more than they can imagine, and that Jesus loves them more than I ever could. When I look into their eyes, I don't see all the ways I've screwed up (and if you're a regular reader, you know it's quite a bit) in their young lives. I see all the potential they have before them, all the grace God has bestowed upon us, and all the joyful years we have ahead of us.
I'm just one little fish in the pond full of different moms with different parenting styles. Lately though, I feel like I've been swimming upstream.

Til next squeak,

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Because of Him

So, if you'll glance up at my profile picture, you'll see that I'm fat. That's fat with a "f" not a "ph". There's a difference you know! (a cookie if you get that reference!)
In the last 2 years, I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. Back in February, we had a change of insurance, which also meant a change of doctors. Thumbs Down Never my favorite thing. I put it off for months, even after my hbp and migraine medications ran out. 2 weeks ago, I got Mr. P. and I in to see a new doctor.
I was fully prepared to hear about the weight issue. Frankly, I cannot go anywhere medically related without it coming up, even when it's really not pertinent. However, I was not prepared for my blood pressure to have normalized! Raise The Roof 1 Let me tell you, that's a miracle straight from God right there!
Both Mr. P. and I had a round of bloodwork done. The results were not exactly great for either of us. My cholesterol was 204. They want it under 200. Egads. I'm honestly embarrassed by it. Prior to this year, I've always tried to be careful about what I eat, if not necessarily how much I eat. Other than that though, my workup was pretty good.
Mr. P. has to go for further tests. For reasons we do not yet know, his liver isn't functioning as it should. He is also pre-diabetic.
I think for us both, this is a wake up call. And personally, I think God is trying to tell us something. If our bodies are His temple, well, He's probably tired of such sub par environments.
Mr. P. and I have both decided to try to make the changes we need to in order to get our own health straightened out, and to be a good example for our children. Perhaps this is why we have yet to conceive. Maybe we needed to work out more important things first.
For those of you reading this and feel so led, please pray for us as we try to live a healthy life style. This is all new territory for us. A friend recently told me that she didn't have true success in changing her health habits until she relied on God. I'm praying God will give us the strength as well.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, July 19, 2009

A slightly sinking feeling

I'm not a very good liberal. Honestly. Then again, I don't think I have it in me to be a conservative. So, where does one go from here?
I've got that old sinking feeling that God's about to boot me in the behind to a new level of...something. Exactly what I don't know, but the feeling is there.
It's been on my heart for awhile now that perhaps some of the things we've been going through as a family and on a personal level have been due to my not-conservative-ness. So often you hear that God wants His people to be xyz because the Bible says abc and of course this means you should think/feel/believe 123. Gah. It's enough to make one want to rip their hair out in frustration.
The question then becomes one of belief vs. fake-itude. (love my word-makeitup-ness? I know I do) If God truly wants His flock to genuinely believe xyz, then is it acceptable to "fake it til ya make it"? How does one change a belief? Is it even possible?
Do you just research the issues? Or just read your Bible? Do you just say "God says this, so I believe this", even if you don't feel it in your heart?
Mmmm, that taste in your throat yet? Perhaps it's your own version of that slightly sinking feeling.

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The unexpected places

Sometimes, it not only takes me by surprise, but amazes me entirely the way God can speak to our hearts.
In the last 5 months or so, I've been battling depression...again. In my life, I've been in treatment 4+ years for various mental disorders. And a few years ago, I thought, by the grace of God, I'd had it licked.
Guess I was wrong.
As I sunk lower into myself and the hurts I've been feeling, I drifted farther away from my Lord and Savior. Oftentimes, I felt as though I've been talking to brick wall when it came to my prayers and times of seeking His face. Where was He when my heart was breaking? Didn't He always promise to be with us every step of the way? Why are all these things happening to me? Did I screw up big time, or is there a meaning to all this?
While those questions still plague me, God found me today. Or rather, I found Him in a very unexpected place.
Earlier, I wrote an email to a dear sister in Christ. And while I was sharing my heart with her, our Lord shared His with me.
I don't know how many of you were taught to swim by being tossed unceremoniously into the pool by your dad. Lord knows I was! Picture for a moment, the small child being scooped up into her daddy's safe embrace. As he walks towards the cool blue waters, she feels no fear. But then, all that is gone in an instant. She finds herself sinking fast, wondering why her loving father would toss her away, sinking into deeper waters than she could handle.
As she flounders in the pool, kicking with all her might, her father looks on, knowing just when he should intervene.
One moment she's terrified, darkness closing in around her. The next, she feels her daddy's strong arms around her, pulling her to safety.
You know, I think God is like that too, except with deeper knowledge of pool safety. Wink
Deep water faith in the shallow end. That's how most of us live our lives of faith. Confident we can handle what comes our way because, after all, our heads are way above water. And one day, our Father scoops us up for that walk to deeper waters. He knows we can not only survive it, but grow to be stronger swimmers from some time in the deep end of the pool. And with a heart stopping plunge, we find ourselves in a sink-or-swim situation. I'll be the first to admit that the struggle for the surface can be harrowing. However, once we can clear the water from our ears, we can be sure to hear His voice.
"Did you know you could do that, My darling child? Know that I'm always watching over you as test out these deeper waters. Under My watchful eye, you'll grow to be comfortable and confident in the pool. And should you need Me, I'm right here to pull you out."
Yes, God can find us in some unexpected places. Be it poolside or simply in front of our inbox.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Testing my randomness

Welcome to Random Rambling 101. No, you haven't lost your mind. But clearly, I'm losing mine. Drooling Bouncy Smiley

I'm known for my mouth. As in my mouth tends to get me in deep trouble. Each time I go through these periods where I am no longer able to keep my pie hole shut, I find myself praying. I usually end up telling God that I don't wanna be this way, that I want to be able to have the grace to shut the frig up in all situations.
Heh. Careful whatcha pray for. Lately it seems that even on the days I'd like to yammer the day away, I can't. After many years of sticking my foot in my mouth, apparently, God decided to duct tape it shut while said appendage was jammed deep in there.

I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned on this blog a time or 2 my disdain for the movie Fireproof. My ongoing point in the seemingly endless debate over this movie has been that watching a movie is not a cure-all for a floundering marriage, and all the ideals and principals taught in the movie can be had simply by praying, reading the Word, and most importantly, waiting on God.
Many times I've been told that my judgement of this movie was wildly inaccurate, mostly in part to my refusal to waste my money watching it.
And then came Netflix...
Mr. P. and I popped Fireproof onto our queue. And a few weeks ago, it arrived. Admittedly, we sat on it. It was in our home for a good week and a half before we cracked it open. Our initial plan was to completely obliterated with Mr. Grey Goose before seeing this flick. Somehow, that never happened. Yes, I watched Fireproof stone-cold sober.
We actually ended up watching with our 5 year old son, Tank. I will say that if you are the kinda parent who is not too terribly concerned about censoring your kids, it can be a family appropriate movie. This is particularly true if you like grabbing those "teachable moments" by the horn.
Although I still stand by original theories, I will say that this movie wasn't as horrible as we figured it would be. Both the fire crew and the nurses make this movie, in my opinion. I wish anyone would've mentioned the moments of light-hearted humor in this flick. I think it would've gone a long way towards bolstering my opinion of it. That said, the acting is pretty lame, but you overlook it after about an hour.
What I'm still trying to comprehend is why many Christians claim it is THE way to repair or improve a marriage. If anything, the story shows that saving your marriage is by no means easy or automatic.
For our part, Mr. P. and I both recognized many of the same things we went through and learned in both the year leading up to our near-divorce and the first year of trying to fall back in love. I know I speak for us both when I say that I am so glad we're beyond those trying times.
So, Fireproof ain't all that bad. Would I recommend it to a couple struggling in their marriage? Probably not. But that's just me. I guess I'm still not on the Fireproof bandwagon after all. Thinking

We're in the end-of-the-school-year stretch! w00t! I cannot wait til summer vacation. The sleeping in, the lazy days, the freedom to do things with my sons that I normally wouldn't have the time for! I'm sure that come August, I'll be ready for them to go back. But for now, I'm glad to be where we are.

This struggle with SI (secondary infertility) has become both easier and harder. Coping with the range of emotions has become a bit easier, especially since severely limiting my online time. However, coping with the reality that we may never have the family size I've come to dream of and pray for has been so very hard. I find myself wondering if it's God punishing me for all the sins and mistakes of my life. I've found only cold comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in those feelings. Many others who experience SI often have moments like these too.
One thing I've learned is to shut the hell up about our struggles or my feelings on this topic. Too many times I've hard my heart ripped out by those who cannot understand all the things that come with SI. Sometimes, protecting oneself from hurt means protecting oneself from people.

So that's my randomness for the month. I guess I'm still good at purging my mind. Thank God for that much!

Til next squeak,

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Church heathen

1st, props if you know the song I stole the title from. Bow Down Wave
2nd, this topic has been swirling through my mind goo for a few weeks now. It's pretty hot button, so it'll fit perfectly here.
I'm quoting from a friend's post on my message board. While I love what she said further on (it really REALLY challenges the way we as a church treat sin/sinners), I'm completely enamored of the basic concept as well.

You know what? Divorce makes me sick. It is an abomination!! It is unnatural! How do you take apart two people when they have been made one! God actually says in the bible that he hates divorce! And it is SO SICK, there are divorced people at my CHURCH! And you know what, we can't preach against divorce because it might offend them, and if we offend them we can get sued! But some pastors even preach that divorce is okay! UGH. The divorced people are hindering church for the rest of us. And you know what is worse? They are teaching my kids in school that divorce is OKAY! Even some of the TEACHERS are divorced!! Isn't the disgusting? There are tons of parents in my kids class that are divorced too... it just makes me so sick, I wish there was a law banning divorce!

Now think about that for a second. Shocked
That rant should sound familiar to anyone who has ever attended church. Simply insert the word "homosexual" wherever you see "divorce".
Hmmm. Makes you sit back, doesn't it?
While my dear Snarfy had a fantastic point, I want to address the original point.
What if, just what if, we as a church body actually did take a radical stand against divorce? Hmmm, wait, I know the church prefers "pro" stand points. So, what if we became passionately pro-marriage?
I don't mean making sure that no one besides heterosexual couples can marry. Currently, that's the stand we as a people of faith take. I mean making divorce the life destroying sin that it is. Divorce is not a choice to toss around so flippantly as we currently do. I see nowhere in God's word that says it's fine to split if you no longer get along. Hell, even abuse is not a reason to divorce! And frankly, what with the Jon and Kate scandal, let's remember that even adultery is not a reason to divorce. We are "allowed" divorce for unfaithfulness because of the hardness of our hearts. Pretty sad, huh? Isn't it far better to pray for a softening of the marriage partners' hearts unto reconciliation?
Matthew 19
1When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Now it's not as though I have no clue what I'm talking about. Mr. P. and I very nearly divorced. I cheated on him! Yet here we are today, strong in our marriage with our hearts joined to each other as it should be.
What if we stopped teaching our kids that divorce is an option? Ya know, we tell them that by the example we set in our own lives. What do you think marriage would look like if we taught our kids this simple concept?
We as a church say that marriage is a living example of Christ's relationship with us. Oh really? Do you think He'd ditch us and ask for alimony? Frankly, we all cheat on the Lord all the time. Too much time online? Coveting your neighbor's green lawn and nice new Lincoln? Perhaps obsessing over your charts and spending all your waking thoughts desiring the next blessing? ( Blushy 4) All these are examples of giving our love, devotion, and attention to something other than our Husband. Yet, He never leaves us by the wayside. Why, if we're saying that our marriages are pictures of this beauty, would we ever consider divorce for any reason at all? Why would we allow our kids to think it's an "acceptable sin"?
No sin is worse than any other. However, in the church we've come to a place where some are considered by us fallible mortals to be far more deserving of our venom or passion than others. And that, Dear Reader, has contributed to the dividing line between "Body parts". When the mouth is no longer speaking with the eyes, and the hand has not a thing to do with the foot, where do we end up?
A bunch of church heathens, gossiping in the pews.
Just think on it for a bit. If we treated divorcees half as poorly as we treated homosexuals, then how would outsiders look at us? And if we took a stand and lived what we preached, then how would they see us?

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

God hates liberals...

Right? Isn't that what we're taught in church? Stick a big red "L" on their shirts and let's all call it a day.
It's no secret to most that I'm proudly liberal leaning. It's also no secret that the vast majority of the people I know are quite conservative.
That said, it should also come as no surprise that I've been feeling lost and miserable, kinda floating along without friends.
I have been wondering for awhile now why God has brought me into the company of so very many conservative people. If we serve a God who truly has our very best in mind, then what the dealio?
In the last 3 years, I've tried on and off to become more conservative, both in my manner and my thoughts. Can we say epic fail? Each time I try, I just end up...well, where I am right now. Feeling like a fool who lacks the very thing that makes one a Christian.
All these feelings are part of what makes me avoid church. I haven't been since October '08. I know I should go back, believe me I do. But I just can't. Feeling this way makes me vastly edit what I say, or simply say nothing at all. (I bet you're thinking "Ahhh, so that explains the recent long silences!") That is both in my online interactions, and in real life. (IRL!)
When you feel like you have to tread on eggshells around everyone in your life, it can make a person very jumpy. Sometimes it's easier to withdraw into my little family and forget there's even a larger world out there. When you come down to it, if you have to keep your heart hidden away from those you call friend, really what kind of friendship is that? Or if you have to refrain from speaking up about the hurts and slights you may feel because you are the minority, how is that building up the Body of Christ?
I guess I'm feeling pretty disillusioned with the whole inner workings of Christian fellowship right now. I'm sure we all go through phases like this, but it seems God brings me here regularly. Do I think He wants me to become like those He draws me to? Lord, I'm on my knees crying out "NO!" Please? But if the Body is the true reflection of Him as we often pray to be, claim to be, then perhaps God does hate liberals. And maybe that is why I am where I so often find myself. I pray the answer comes soon.

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The view from here

There was once a time in my life when I'd would just talk a person's ear off, especially if I was going through some emotional turmoil.
These days, I find myself withdrawing and turning to nothing in particular. It's an odd place to be. Sitting at the 'puter and staring blankly at the screen all day has not been fun.
I keep thinking of the trip to Disney World my family took back when I was 11 or 12 years old. When our plane reached Atlanta, we spent over an hour circling the airport. Why? Nasty storms had descended upon the area but from our vantage, things looked more or less fine.
Perhaps that's what is going on in my life now. Maybe God has me in a holding pattern because from where I sit, I can't see the storms He's protecting me from. I'd imagine we've all seen that bumper sticker that reads "God is my co-pilot". What a strange thing to feel in action though.
There's been so very much on my mind and my heart lately that I can't find the words for. Everything seems to have been put on pause for now. I'm not sure why God has chosen to leave me in this spot, waiting. The part of me that continually struggles to grow in faith feels like an abandoned child. The other part of me, the part that speaks in cool tones of reason, tells me that Father knows best, and much like that plane trip of long ago, sometimes the weather isn't always as peachy as it would seem to be.
I don't know about you, but there are times I wish I could see clearly from God's spot on the tarmac. You would think the view from up here would be so much more enthralling. But once you're above those clouds, well, that's all you see. You need your man on the ground to bring you in safely. You've got to trust in his judgement, no matter how you may long to land that bird and go have a glass of wine.
I'm still clinging to the hope that some day, God will tell me to come on down from above these as-yet-unseen-by-me storm clouds. The view from here is getting bland and tiring. Til then though, there's not much to do but wait on instructions from my Man on the ground.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Spiritual load time

I don't know if anyone else feels like this from time to time. For me, whenever God is trying to teach me something, it involves waiting. Because I'm thick-headed, I rage against this spiritual load time. This poem just about ripped my hurting heart out but in a good way! I thought I'd share it for anyone else going through a period of waiting on the Lord.
Wait by Russell Kelfer

Til next squeak,

Friday, March 20, 2009

Act your age

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There's been a lot going on both in my head, and in my life lately. And since I am sick while typing this, chances are, not much will make sense. But hey, that's alright. I think sensical wordings are for the weak, and oddball trips into the fantastic for the brave hearted. Or just those trippin' on NyQuil.
So like I said, I'm sick. We're all sick here at Casa de P. (note to of P does not sound so great actually) It's been a fun week.
If you are a regular reader, or care to look back to last month, you'll know I recently took my GED test. Good news, I passed. With honors. I'm stunned. Looks like this lil mousie will be moving on to college in the fall.
Mr. P. and I have had some great outings in recent weeks. We've gone to see Watchmen, gone to the casino, and spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other's company. In true gamer-dork fashion, our best moments have been while playing video games together. Hey babe, there's no place to put that!
While all these things have been going on, what goes through my mind the most is that I am nearing my 28th birthday. Somehow, I feel old. I never thought I would even feel adult, never mind elderly. Perhaps it's some of the stress I've been under, or perhaps it's the emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just that ol' specter of the big 3-0 looming over me. After all, it's only 2 years away.
March is not only the month of my birth, but also the month of my rebirth. It's been 3 years now since I fell into Jesus' arms. Somehow, I feel worn out. I've noticed that this can often be a hard confession to make in the Christian community, but here it is. I've backslidden. Hard. I know that at this point, I'm not where I should be in my faith. Now there's a tough realization to come to. Mostly because once you admit it, it then becomes a case of what do you do then?
Honestly, I am not sure. The obvious answer would be to go back to church, pick up my Bible once again, get back down on my knees before the Lord. And yet somehow that all seems so difficult. It's not that I love my Savior any less. It's more that life now seems so big. Between the kids, my husband, our home, the economy, my overblown emotions, my mother, my friends, and this wildly crazystupidaddicting thing we call the internet, making time every day for Him always seems to take a back seat.
Now I know I'm not the only one in that respect. Many mothers have similar issues. Our lives of caring for our kids and homes seem to take up so much. It's more or less universal. It's just that so many moms make it look effortless to maintain a full and growing spiritual life while nurturing a full and growing family. Covet not thy neighbor's mad organizational and time management skills, I suppose.
So some days I feel old. Creaking in my joints kinda old. Then again, I also know that I rarely act my age. After all, I am confessing to choosing video games and comic books over the Bible and prayer time.
Honestly, I'm not sure how to move on from this point. A worldly bit of advice that was tossed around in my childhood was to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hop to. I've been under the impression that when it comes to matters of faith, trusting on the Lord to pull you up is of far more import than hauling your own sorry butt around.
Well, all that to say that I am in a not so great spot mentally, but pretty rawkin' spot in every other sense. Unfortunately, it's probably gonna effect my blogging. I do apologize for any tantrums and whining rambles that may come forth in the next few months. It's all a side effect of trying to act my age.

Til next squeak,

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I heart Norman Gentle!

I'm not ashamed. I am totally in love with another man. I heart Norman Gentle!

There is just no way you can't love this guy. Srsly. Roll If nothing else, he has certainly put a smile on my face these last few weeks. I've always said my state (CT) produces a certain kinda strange. Thanks for proving my theory Nick!
As a side note, did you guys see just how ticked off his dad looks at first? Yowsa. Now that's great. Makes ya wonder about those behind the scenes convos.

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Touch, touch, touch, feeeeel!

I got a new toy earlier last week. I really do feel like a kid in a candy shop! Yay for iPod Touch! I tell ya, there's nothing that makes feeling up your personal electronics feel quite so right.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Well, that was quicker than expected.

Well, that was quick. I'm done with the basic outline of the board.

Here we go.

Go check it out if you're interested. See ya there.

Til next squeak,

Oh baby, it's on!

So I've decided to do it. Yup, I'll be starting my own message board/forum for Christian mothers.
God, what am I thinking?!
I've gotten a tremendous amount of positive feedback from friends, and I think it has the potential to be something wonderful. Right now, I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all that needs to be thought of when designing your own place. I'm hoping to have it up and running within the week.
So, stay tuned for the addy! I'm hoping that many of you will be able to join us. It should certainly prove to be interesting, if nothing else.

Til next squeak,

Friday, February 6, 2009

Now where'd that ball gag come from?!

Yeah, it's awfully hard to "speak your mind" when you've got one of those bad boys shoved down your throat. Ya know, metaphorically speaking. Annoyed And Disappointed
When you're like me, admitting that you have conservative friends is kinda like admitting you have a "funny uncle". Everyone looks at you all weird-like and you can tell they kinda wonder to themselves, "How much influence does Uncle Chester have on her?"
Ok, bad analogy, but how about this:
Conservative + Christian = "the norm" (we're just establishing some baselines this case, "the norm" refers to the Christian community, not necessarily society as a whole)
Then what about this:
Liberal + Christian = ????
From what I've experienced, most liberal leaning people are not terribly religious, or at least not of the Christian faith. Now, I myself am a religious Christian who is damn liberal and damn proud. However, when most people think of Christians and their political bent, they think "conservative douche bag". I 2nd that emotion.
Not many of us religious Christians now fit into the liberal ideologies. We are indeed a rare breed these days. But the way you hear the conservatives talk, we're taking over the world and packing it all off in a pretty hand basket straight to Hell.
I've come to the conclusion that most conservatives will whine non-stop about not having any safe arena to air their views (i.e. give each other nice lil back slaps for being so conservative, and of course, oh so Christian) without getting attacked by fetus-eating, gay-orgy-having, pulling-the-prayer-outta-schools-so-we-can-preach-hedonistic-sex-based-baby-killing-slap-your-great-grandma-agendas liberals. Did I mention that we are, of course, never truly Christians as well? I guess we're not doing a good job as a whole of hiding those zippers on the back of our sheep costumes as we initially thought. Oh Jeez
What these Christians do not realize is that us liberal Christians have no where to call home, except amongst each other. We're clearly not Christian enough to be around our conservative counterparts, and we're too damn Christian (and thus, too likely to flip to the douche bag side) to be around our non-Christian liberal cohorts. So what do we do?
I imagine a lot of the DBers would say, "Pray! God will show you that your ways are wrong *cough, cough* and you'll be able to learn about what Christianity really means to your daily life and the choices you make if you'd just let Him in!"
You know. Because of course, our choices are not prayed upon at all, nor are they well-thought out and carefully considered.
All that to say that I'm deeply considering starting my own message board for us liberal Christian mamas. We need a safe place to call home as much as the next person, whether the other side sees it or not.
Now someone please get this damn ball gag outta my mouth!

Til next squeak,

Monday, February 2, 2009

Monday Meme

It's been ages since I've consistently done Cat's meme (truthfully, it's been ages since I've done much of anything consistently) and it's time to get off my bloggy butt and back in the game.

1) Who is the least generous friend you have? Probably me. Honestly, I've been blessed to have an incredible bunch of friends who are generous not only with their money, but their time, hearts, and support. We're a lucky group.
2) If you could change one thing about your typical day, what would you change? I'd like a double shot of motivation, please. Ugh. I've had pretty much zero get up and go since my surgery. I had gotten into the habit of napping during those first few days, and stuck.
3) What has been the most profound experience of your life so far? This is a really hard one. I've been through a lot, and picking just 1 experience that stands out is like saying I like milk chocolate more than dark chocolate. Hmmm. I'd say that nearly losing my marriage has most profoundly affected me in my day-to-day life. I look at Mr. P. in such a different way now, and strive to understand not only "him" but "us". It's really changed what I value not only in him, but in myself as well.
4) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.
Well, my first thought when I saw this was of a moldy tree that I saw at Girl Scout camp, but after saving it, I see that it's a "money tree". Hmmm. I think I'd like the money tree much better. Dang. I need to get me one of these, but clearly one that's in better shape.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, February 1, 2009

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Then don't say anything at all. No Remember, 'tis my Maze, and I decide what comments go through or not.

Now, that said, I got some wonderful news this week. Mr. P. informed me that my SIL is getting married!

Here's the happy couple:

SIL popped the question, and K accepted. We're thrilled to have her as part of our family.

It's funny to think of being young and in love again. Mr. P. and I were the same age when we got engaged, and it seems a lifetime ago. Yowsa, we're old.

Anyway, I wanted to share the happy news. Weddings are always a joyous time, and I know this one will be no different.

Til next squeak,

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