Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, May 31, 2008

"And I don't even like sitting on a cold toilet!"

Ever have a yeast infection? That fiery, itchy, nasty, gotta-walk-funny-for-days kinda feeling only us women know of? Yeah that one.
Well, I always swore by those 20 some-odd dollar Monistat 1 kits. A little football shaped "insert", a tube of anti itch cream, and I was good to go. Until this week at least.
After shelling out for the electric bill (damn you CL&P!!) Mr. P.'s hard earned dough was pretty much gone this week. While "walking funny" at the grocery store, I remembered a website I'd read a few months back. They'd suggested that yogurt would be good for the battle of the yeast. "Duh", I thought. I've been eating yogurt when I've been "walking funny" for years now. Yeah, that's so not what they were talking about. They meant you were to take plain, unsweetened yogurt and...apply. Or preferably...insert.
Errmmm, I don't even like sitting on a cold toilet!!
But, one can only walk like an injured penguin for so long before taking action. So, I bought the yogurt.
Late last night, I took the plunge. The website had suggested using the applicators of some freshly shucked tampons for yogurt insertion. Simply fill and freeze. Wait, freeze?!?! Oh. Yipes.
After much mess, I managed to create a few little yogurt-sicles. Time to bombard the yeast.
I will say that although horribly cold at first, compared to the burn of the infection, it was pretty heavenly. And today, I am actually feeling much better.
So, if you are ever too strapped for cash, or too concerned about the chemicals used in those products, I can safely say yogurt is a good alternative.
Just be prepared to sit on something warm afterwards.

Til next squeak,

Friday, May 30, 2008

When it stops being play time

I'm sitting here with my morning cup of java, and I'm going to share something with you that I am not proud of. It's something I realized a few days ago, and am now determined to live out.
First, I'll begin with a confession. I'm probably the world's worst homemaker. Particularly for one who claims to want nothing more than to just be at home with her family. It's pretty bad. Certainly not what one could even call decent. I can pull it together for a few days at a time, and usually for an inspection. But for a complete lifestyle change? Well, it hasn't happened yet. Truth be told, I haven't really put in the effort yet. I'm also the reigning champion at making excuses for myself, and to myself. Telling myself the housework didn't get done because my body hurt too much, the kids were too wild, my mental health was too fragile, I was too tired, or Mr. P. was unwilling to help, well, that's all just excuses. And oftentimes, blown way out of proportion. Yeah, the kids *can* be pretty wild, but lately they've been getting better. Yeah, I *do* struggle with chronic pain, but I'm learning more how to handle it. And quite frankly Mr. P. works way too many hours for me to be expecting him to take on more duties at home.
So, while I was brewing my cuppa, looking at the sink (and counter) full of dishes, I knew today was the day. You see, last week, the kiddos and I watched a preview of Planet Green's Wasted, on our fancy schmancy On Demand. And lo, I was convicted. Shocking to me, really. I've always said I'm not the one to ever feel "convicted" over anything. What's that phrase? Never say never, right? Anywho, on the show, this one family was very similar to mine own. I had taken to using paper and Styrofoam products in the kitchen for the last year, simply so I would not have any dishes to wash. At the time, it seemed a simple solution to my laziness. Now, I can see it for what it is. Completely wasteful, in more ways than just environmental. They showed what happens to my Styrofoam coffee cups when they come into contact with various chemicals, such as would happen in a landfill. Bleah. Ever seen that slime stuff that comes out of gumball machines in those little eggs that little boys like mine love to play with? Yeah. Just in white. And then there's the sheer amount of trash that is produced when an average family of 4 lives like that. Mind boggling. Oh but wait! Don't forget to factor in the cost of purchasing these products every few days. They quoted around $430 a year. Mmmmk, I don't have that kinda money to just toss around.
The next day was shopping-at-Walmart day. You know, where we as a family wander the aisles for about an hour or so, only to buy the exact same things I buy each and every week, forever and ever, amen. Ah, not this week. Instead of my usual round of disposables, we picked up some of the summer line of plastic bowls, plates, yada yada. I chose these because not only are they cheap, but with the way my hands claw up these days, if I happen to drop a few while washing them, no biggie. I vowed to myself that we would use up the last of our "sposies" and then I would get it together as a wife and mother should.
So here I am. Today is the day. It stops being play time. I think a big part of me always felt that I was "playing house". I know that until just about a month ago, I never felt like an adult. Maybe part of that is having grown up with parents who drilled it into me that I would never be an adult til I was at least 30. Maybe it's because I had to mature so fast in many ways as a kid that I now cling to some childish ways. Who knows? All I know is that it's to step up, for me, for my kids and husband, and for our planet. I need to put in an effort in order to become the kind of woman God has called me to be. Now I just need to figure out a way to stay accountable.

Til next squeak,

Monday, May 26, 2008

Monday Meme

I hope everyone has had a time to reflect this Memorial Day on what we as a nation owe our veterans, and those who paid the ultimate price down through the years for our nation. And when I think of reflection, I think of Cat's meme, of course! (cheesy plug and holiday reminder I know. What can I say?)

1) What one thing makes your husband/wife/lover/best friend feel the guiltiest? It's hard to tell, as the man is constantly apologizing to begin with. Hmmm. I'd say when he inadvertently triggers a flashback of mine. Yeah, that does it. It really is not his fault, but man does he wallow in guilt for it! Just the way his face falls is proof positive.

2) What makes you laugh? Life. I can't look at my life and not laugh. OK well, at times it's either laugh or cry, and for the most part, I choose laugh.

3) Who is the least spiritual person you know? My brother. I've never once heard anything from him to indicate he has any interest in faith of any sorts.

4) What is the biggest surprise you've ever had? Tank, my youngest son. We were told I couldn't conceive. Oops. :) Then we were told he would have heart problems, or Down syndrome, and he is fine. Another fine surprise.

5) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.

I hate dogs. Allergic to 'em, and they annoy me. Especially my MIL's dog. Bleah. I'm so a cat person. (duh. just look along the sidebar)

Til next squeak,

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Music makes you remember

This used to be one of *MY songs!* back in the day! I think I was probably 17 or 18 at the time. Mmmmmemories.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My new addiction

OK so I do have an addiction to start with, however this is a new one. (notice the shiny new title?)
My original addiction, that started the search for this new one, is lip balm. Yup, lip balm. Ever since I was about 14, I've been literally addicted to lip balm. Previously, my balm of choice was Bonne Bell LipSmackers. If I'm not applying this stuff regularly, I get a tad twitchy.
"Whoa Mrs. P., whatever brought *this* on?", you ask.
"Ah, faithful reader, sit right back and I'll tell a tale..."
I think most girls of my generation back then read Seventeen magazine. I see you're familiar with the title? They did an article about strange teenage addictions, once upon a time. Being the easily suggestible child I was (wait that's changed how?), I read in fascination about a girl's struggles to overcome chapstick addiction. Fascination changed to horror in the following days as I realized I too was needed "the stick" more and more.
Anywho, I've come to terms with my addiction. After all, it may be odd, but it's really not hurting anyone. Well, maybe Mr. P.'s wallet every few weeks but he's used to it. ;P
MonkeyMan has been learning in school about the 3 R's (and no, it's not the ones you and I learned.)- reduce, reuse, recycle. Now I ask, when a supercute 7 year old pleads with you to "do our part" in saving the planet, how do you say no? If you happen to be said cutie's mom, well, you don't. As I've been looking into healthier living choices for our family anyway, I thought "Why not look into more natural or sustainable options for my personal care items?" Frankly, I'll be the first to admit that my stuff is what we spend the most on here. I'm greatly spoiled. So I listened in a little more carefully to the "crunchier" topics on my various moms message boards (check out the link list "Feelin' the love") and found a few ways to change my habits. At first, a bit squeamish because me and change? Well, we don't get along so much. But now? There's the addiction.
Try Hyena Cart. Self-dubbed as "a collection of earth-friendly shops", and on most of these moms boards, I noticed moms had banners in their signatures. Hmmm. I checked it out. I'm all for supporting the WAHM (work at home mom), mainly because I'd love to be one myself, however I have no skill outside of smart-ass-ery. Not terribly marketable. On Hyena Cart, I discovered 2 new addictions. (sure to find more though. Yowza!) Here they are, and I recommend them highly:

Clear Hills Honey Company
Holy smokes the lip balms!! Ah yeah!

Here's the 2 collections I bought. Mmmmmm. I really don't know what I'm lovin' more, the balm itself or those totally adorable golden bees! Seriously though, just looking at the label on my new Vanilla Honey flavored one (ooh nummerz! Pardon the lolspeak, it comes out when I'm excited) it says this:
sweet almond oil, beeswax, coca butter, vitamin E, honey, propolis, and essential oils.
Wow. Doesn't get much better than that. Now the feel of this bad boy, ooh. Glides so smooth on the lips, and just sinks into them. Not heavy at all, and tastes fabulous.
As an aside, I have a crusty old neighbor who steals my mail. When it had been a few days, and I was concerned as to the whereabouts of my precious balms, I contacted Carmela. A prompt reply from her, and she tracked my goodies! Better customer service can't bee (get it? BEE?) found!

Happy Mama Originals
Now before you go "Ewwww", think about it for a second. (disclaimer- I went "Ewww" too) If you're like me, and use a disposable pantiliner every day, right there is a bunch of garbage waste. Then there's the chemical component. Not good for our bodies, and not good for our Earth. So, I switched to reusable mama cloth liners. I'll admit I can't give up my "plugs" and go to mama cloth for my regular flow, or switch to a Diva cup or the like, but I'm loving these.

Minkee velour liners, and she included an organic lavender sachet. (not pictured, a lingerie bag for washing. turned out way too white in the flash) These lovelies are so soft on the skin, and wash up so nicely. Can't say enough about how wonderful I've felt since switching. Seriously, give 'em a try!

I'm thinking of possibly doing a little goodie basket giveaway when I reach 100 posts. Any interest? Join the addiction!

Til next squeak,

Monday, May 19, 2008

One year closer to death

Tomorrow is Mr. P.'s birthday. He'll be 28.
The poor guy has a thing about aging. So of course I must tease him about "pushing thirty". What better way to do so than to blog about him? :P
I love Mr. P. No matter what else we've been through, no matter what else I say about him, there's still love in my heart. After almost 9 years with him, I'd sure hope so.
But now that you're one year closer to death, dear, I must say this. Have you purchased that life insurance yet? ;D

Til next squeak,

Monday Meme

Another Monday has sprung up on me, and it's time to meme along with Cat.

1) How often do you see your parents? Would you rather see them more often, less often, or about as often as you currently see them? I see my mom about 3 times a week. This seems to work. Any less and drama springs up. Although, I will say, now that she has accepted Christ as her Savior (woot woot Mom) she's got a peace about her that has greatly mellowed out our relationship.

2) What do you most like or appreciate about the opposite sex? ~blush~ The butt. Doesn't get much better than that. Mr. P. has a great one, as does Neal McDonough. ~blush~ Eh hem. Now that I've completed the embarrassing portion of my blog for the day... (no pun intended, get it, em-bare-ass-ed?)

3) With which person from history would you choose to change places? Probably none of them. Seriously. Although when I was younger I dreamed of being someone else, now I am very content in who I am and in who I am becoming. It's a good place to be.

4) What is the emptiest part of your life? ~snorts~ My savings account.

5) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one
When I was a kid, I used to love to hike and wander in the woods that surround my town. This reminds me of the nature center I frequented. Supposedly, there's a trail there that can take you all the way into Massachusetts in a day.

Til next squeak,

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Rest now, old friend

I lost a dear old friend this week. We spent many quality hours together, working as a team. I will miss him greatly because it is now obvious to me that he is not so easily replaced. I am talking about my Swiffer WetJet of course. ~sniff sniff~

I had that thing for almost 6 years before it finally bit the dust. Not too shabby when you consider how poorly some home products are made in this day.
Before he died, I had recommended a WetJet to my mother for her mopping needs. After all, how can you argue with the 5 signs of clean? Within a few weeks of purchasing hers, she mentions to me that not only did they have to replace the batteries already, but that it looked like the shaft of the mop was giving way. Hmmm, I thought. How odd. *Mine* certainly never did that!
That conversation came flooding back to me in the moment I realized my own Jetty had gone on to the great beyond. Uh oh. What was I in for? And now I unfortunately know.

Here is a side by side comparison of "Ol' Trusty" and the new replacement I had purchased. The first thing I noticed was my new WetJet did not have the nice foam gripper on the handle. How disappointing, particularly for someone like myself with carpal tunnel. "Ahh I see this relationship will be adversarial.", I thought.

A closer shot of the neck of the mops. Now, I can tell that the buttons to shoot out the cleaning solution are not only different colors, but "Ol' Trusty" has a button that is sturdier as well as a more durable neck in general. "Now I see what Mom is talking about".

In this final shot, I noticed 2 things. In looking at the black square area where the cleaning solution comes out, "Ol' Trusty's" is both higher off the floor and angled, where as "Newby Punk's" is quite flat and low to the floor. The other observation is that the pivot point is very tight on "Da Punk" and I began to predict problems with that. (for those that don't know, the tubing that the cleaning solution travels down flows through the pivot point)
Well, it was time to put the camera away and start on the floor. I must say, my disappointment was warranted. "Da Punk" and I do not get along well. Perhaps it is because memories of the times "Ol' Trusty" kept me in good stead were flowing through me as I worked. Or maybe it really is because companies take the cheap way out after a few years and produce inferior products. In either case, I miss my mop. It was hard to throw it, even though I know it couldn't be fixed.
Rest now, old friend. We'll get along with out you. After many years, you've earned it.
Til next squeak,

Survivor: Meat-agasgar

"Somewhere we have hidden an immunity idol..."

Cooking with Mr. P. can be oh so fun!

Til next squeak,

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Where the lesson lies

My biggest personal fear is never knowing who I really truly am. (wow you haven't figured that out by now? :P ) I've struggled with "identity issues" all my life. I think in the last 2 weeks or so, God has shown me a few things about myself that I've always been afraid to admit, and some things I've never known.
As anyone who's known me for any length of time can confirm, I'm a hard person to be close to. Many years of hurt have closed a wall around my heart, and created a fun house mirror in my mind, distorting how I choose to view myself. I've often been quick to bite the hand that feeds me, as the saying goes. And perhaps worst of all, I've prided myself on being this way. Anything less was "weak" in my warped vision.
The road to change is a cobbled one in my mind. Bumpy, well-traveled by others before me, and more than a little scary, what with all those skulking things peering out of the darkened alleys. (and thus emerges the inner drama queen) I started out on this road last summer, and along the way, I've seen many sights.
It has not been easy to turn to Him. I have failed many times, and will probably fail again. After all, I'm merely mortal. Perhaps the hardest though has been to realize that He wants me to come back yet again. There is no end to the Father's patience with His willing children. And when that most recalcitrant child is ready to listen, truly listen, then there is no end to the beauty that may come of a good Father-daughter chat.
The most eye-opening thing I learned this week is that God always creates beauty. It honestly is Satan that steals away that beauty. I never really got that until recently. The way I am, the *who* I am, is not how the Lord had intended it to be. So much of that was stolen away by Satan, working through my earthly father and the way I was raised. What I've glimpsed from time to time in myself, this hidden me that has terrified me so, is part of who God truly wanted me to be. All that "lost" potential is still available by the grace of God. Only now has my battered psyche been healed enough to understand and be able not only to accept, but to desire that newness in Him. I'm sure other Christians have heard and maybe talked about "God's perfect timing". Do you truly know how perfect that watch of His really is? Have you felt it ticking away in your own life? I heartily recommend waiting on Him. When you do, there the beauty is. There the blessing is, and mostly, there the lesson lies.

Til next squeak,

Monday, May 12, 2008

Monday Meme

A week with no blogging makes Mrs. P. a dull girl. :P
But now I'm back and with the Monday Meme no less!

1) What is the worst experience you have ever had in a car? Geez, I dunno. I guess I'd have to say giving myself up sexually voluntarily for the first time. Lousy guy, bad day, stupid choice. And in the back of my parents' Chevy Blazer? Not exactly the stuff of teen romantic ideals. I suppose it could've been worse, but bleah, no birds suddenly appeared for me.

2) Who is your personal hero, and why? Myself! (joking, joking!)
Seriously, I'd have to think longer and harder than my brain is currently capable of. Let's go with Paul from the Bible. Yeah, that one sounds good. The dude was hunting down the early church, and Jesus still was there for him. God is certainly able to give second chances. Just look at Paul.

3) Name the one thing you have done that has caused you the most guilt during your lifetime. Losing my kids to the system. Although I have mostly healed, and they have been back home for a few years, I still mentally berate myself time to time. I do not think I will ever look at myself as a good mother. Actually, that's why I have a difficult time with Mothers' Day, and tend to make it about honoring their former foster mom (Mr. P.'s aunt) and both of our own moms.

4) What is the most important duty or chore you perform regularly? I do chores? Since when?
Ermmm, ok I guess I'd say waking up Mr. P. For 9 years now, I have been his personal alarm clock. As much as it is causing probs in our marriage now (and my sanity), I know that without me, he'd never get to work on time.

5) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.
Mmmmm Altoids!! Now there's a bunch of great memories! I used to carry those things with me everywhere back in high school. Loved 'em! All of us did. Then we found these caffeinated mints called Penguins, and those were good, but I was still loyal to my curiously strong mints. Ahhh so fresh and what a great little tin! I need to go get me some of those tomorrow!

Til next squeak,

Monday, May 5, 2008

Monday Meme

Monday meme time again! And hey, I remembered! :)

1) What are the three most important family values in your family? For the world? Are they the same? Hmmm, in our family, I'd have to say perseverance, faith, and love. For the world, forgiveness, unconditional love, and faith. Not too different, but good things for everyone on earth I think.

2) Name your least favorite candy. Why do you dislike it so much? Butterscotch. Bleah. It's too sweet and too um buttery.

3) Among your friends, which would you choose as the next Pope? Well, we're not Catholic, but I'd choose Dawn. She's such an amazing lady. Truly. She's got an amazing heart, even after having been through so much. I think she'd really be a force for God in the world (not that she isn't already ;) ) if given that kind of a stage. She's counseled me through much, and helped me to grow in my faith. Of all the women I know, she is one powerhouse lady of God.

4) What is the slowest realization you've ever come to? Oh geez pick one. Seriously I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I'd have to say the slowest realization I have ever come to is that I really am meant for Mr. P. and he for me. (mmmm bad grammar so tasty) "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine."- Song of Solomon 6:3. We said that at our wedding and it still holds true today. It just took some time to really understand what all that entails.

5) Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.

OK first, HA! I figured out how to put the darn pic in here! HA! Now that *that* is out of my system...
Honestly it makes me think God is laughing at me. Like here I am going down the road of faith/life/whatever existential thing your into, and WHOA, your like, SLOW lady. Dee dee dee.
Yeah, low self-esteem day. LOL.

Til next squeak,

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The roads we travel

I have done some traveling in my life, though not as much as I would have liked to. One thing I was blessed with was my own car as a teenager. It allowed me many nights on the road, alone with my thoughts and the wind in my hair.

Many things in our lives will bring us full circle so that we can take the time to remember the roads we have traveled. One such event today for me was a church fundraiser. They are passing out baby bottles to be filled with spare change to go to the local crisis pregnancy center. Not quite 8 years ago, I found myself walking through the doors of that very place.
When MonkeyMan was conceived, I was 19. Unemployed, unmarried, and still at home. Trust me, after our families found out, it certainly became a "crisis pregnancy". I admit, I was not sure at times if I would be able to continue the pregnancy because I was so afraid. How would we do this? We had nowhere to go, no one who was supportive, and man, were we young.
So one day, while looking in the yellow pages "just to check my options" I found the crisis pregnancy center. I thought to myself, "Well if this isn't a crisis, I don't know what is." (ah how young and naive I was.) I gave them a call and in I went. They confirmed my pregnancy, and explained all the ways they could help if I chose to have the baby. One lady patiently asked me if I'd put any thought into how much it'd hurt my partner because I had told them we were still together. Come to think of it, no I hadn't thought of him. That's kinda what sealed my mind. How would Mr. P. feel about all this? I mean, he *did* take the news so easily but that didn't automatically mean he was going to bolt.
They provided us with a beautiful hand made changing table, 4 months of diapers, many tiny outfits, and knowledge that anything else we needed was but a phone call away.
Well, you all know how that story turned out. :)

I know I have many journeys yet before me, and when I look at my sons, I see all the potential within them. I can't help but wonder what roads will God send them down? How will they fare? I pray they enjoy the journey as much as I have.

Til next squeak,

Saturday, May 3, 2008


Run through the jungle,
Intuition did not work.
Female parts burn raw.
Now someone please pass the baby powder.

Til next squeak,

Hidden sin, hurting heart, blind church

So somewhere earlier I sniffed another post brewing. I've been thinking on it, ya know, exactly how much did I want to share. I figure why hold anything back? Mostly because that is the problem with this sin. It's so taboo for women in the church. It's a "man's sin". And for those of us who struggle, where do we turn for support?
Some readers may know of my past, some may not. Here goes:
Starting from age 3, up until age 16, I was a victim of incest. I am proud to be a survivor. However, no survivor is without lingering wounds. Some of those may seem so harmless to those outside the faith, yet for those of us in Christ, so damaging. I submit this verse, before I tell the rest of my tale.

Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
For one who struggles with hypersexuality, aka sex addiction, this verse feels like condemnation. Often when we hear of lust, we think of a man sitting in front of his computer, looking at porn. Not too often does one think of the housewife who exhibits none of those signs and signals that immediately come to mind.
For as long as I can remember, my every thought had a sexual tinge to it. Most people know the phrase, "Looking through rose colored glasses."? Well, I looked through lenses that colored everything red and sensual. Once I began therapy as an adult, I mentioned this "preoccupation" with all things sexual with each of my clinicians and psychiatrists. While each of them agreed that my past abuse put me in a place that from a young age, all I knew was my "sexual worth", none thought it was a very big deal. Many times I have wondered how this has effected my quality of life. Like how would it be to be normal and not think like this every minute of every day? It really hit the fan when I began an affair online with "T" back in 2006. I could not control myself when it came to my lust for him. It took over like a drug. I really do believe that it is an addiction I have, not a "side effect" as one therapist put it. Anyway, it got to the point that I was not only neglecting Mr. P. for "T" but also my kids and home as well. Looking back, that is what made me file for divorce. It took over a year for me to break my addiction to "T", and that was only with the Lord's help. Yet, I still struggle daily with lust for men other than my husband. (although now not ones we personally know...ah Neal...)
The Word tells me that in my heart, I'm no better off than had I actually gone out and committed adultery. Some days it feels like I have in fact cheated, especially when I have had a particularly vivid dream that sticks with me all day. Now, the world will tell me that it's not a big deal. After all, I'm not *really* sleeping with anyone but Mr. P. But what's happening in my heart? What is happening to my soul?
I will say that it is no longer as bad as it used to be. God has granted me a measure of victory over it, as I grow in faith and heal from my past. It does still take control from time to time though. Not like with "T", but enough to make me question my sanity. I have never spoke these words to another soul. I've seen enough of how women in the church speak of their menfolk who struggle to know how much worse it would be for a woman in that boat. What is a sister like me to do? Accountability is not an option. Shame keeps one quiet. Misunderstanding about the nature of sins and addiction (and yes, this applies to myself as well. I definitely feel the weight of "hypocrite" right now) runs rampant among us humans.
Until that day, I'll just keep praying for the complete victory I know is coming my way. I trust in His promises.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Til next squeak,

Second guessing

Ever the self critic, I changed my URL to better match this blog.
I do apologize for any inconvenience.
Now it's Formerly
Sorry again!

Til next squeak,

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Person, or perfection?

I have always felt the burden of perfectionism. Not that I strive to be perfect. More that others in my life have expected that of me, or at least I perceive that they do.
One phrase Mr. P. is fond of is, "There's no perfect person on this earth...OK there's one and you ain't Him."
No kidding!
The one impression I have always had of Christianity is that its members were aiming for perfection under the banner of being Christ-like. I never really understood that until today.
I'm of a mind that not only God can but does choose to reveal His will to us as individuals. Above that, I believe that while His plan has a basic outline for us all written in the Bible, He also has more specific goals and plans for each of us as individuals. While I believe that, I admit that I have an incredibly difficult time believing that for myself. Like that applies to others but not me.
Earlier today, I was singing in the shower. Yeah, it's just my thing. I praise Him often there, simply because it's one of the few times I'm in a quiet spot, and my mind is often clear. God and I have some of our best conversations in the bathroom. ;)
While I was getting dressed, God showed me something I had never seen before in myself, and I think that He knew I'd have to have come to where I am now for it to sink in.
In my case, after the way I was raised and the things I've endured, being Christ-like means looking more to His person, and less at His perfection. What kind of person is Christ? What qualities does He exhibit? Who does He want me to be?
All these are found in the Word, and in prayer. And it's not that hard. Christ is perfection to be sure, but even more than that, He is a friend. No friend asks the impossible. No friend tells you to carry the load alone. Perhaps my ignorance of the faith shows clear, but for me, this is the essence of faith. If we cannot go before our Savior and trust in Him as we would our dearest friend, well, what then? If I cannot tell my Lord my heart in confidence, all hope is dashed.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not down playing His divinity or His rightful place on the Throne. But the Lord put this image on my heart today, of Christ praying not only for his friends, the disciples, but for us as well.
John 17
1After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: "Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. 2For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. 3Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.
6"I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. 12While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. 13"I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. 14I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. 18As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.
20"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

If you note verse 20 to the end, He is praying for us. How beautiful! To know that my King once spoke this prayer for me, that I may see His glory. Nothing humbles me more, nothing makes me see the person of my friend and salvation than this simple prayer spoken so many years ago.
So now, starting today, I strive not for perfection, but for His person. May I be more Christ-like each day.

Til next squeak,

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