Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Where the lesson lies

My biggest personal fear is never knowing who I really truly am. (wow you haven't figured that out by now? :P ) I've struggled with "identity issues" all my life. I think in the last 2 weeks or so, God has shown me a few things about myself that I've always been afraid to admit, and some things I've never known.
As anyone who's known me for any length of time can confirm, I'm a hard person to be close to. Many years of hurt have closed a wall around my heart, and created a fun house mirror in my mind, distorting how I choose to view myself. I've often been quick to bite the hand that feeds me, as the saying goes. And perhaps worst of all, I've prided myself on being this way. Anything less was "weak" in my warped vision.
The road to change is a cobbled one in my mind. Bumpy, well-traveled by others before me, and more than a little scary, what with all those skulking things peering out of the darkened alleys. (and thus emerges the inner drama queen) I started out on this road last summer, and along the way, I've seen many sights.
It has not been easy to turn to Him. I have failed many times, and will probably fail again. After all, I'm merely mortal. Perhaps the hardest though has been to realize that He wants me to come back yet again. There is no end to the Father's patience with His willing children. And when that most recalcitrant child is ready to listen, truly listen, then there is no end to the beauty that may come of a good Father-daughter chat.
The most eye-opening thing I learned this week is that God always creates beauty. It honestly is Satan that steals away that beauty. I never really got that until recently. The way I am, the *who* I am, is not how the Lord had intended it to be. So much of that was stolen away by Satan, working through my earthly father and the way I was raised. What I've glimpsed from time to time in myself, this hidden me that has terrified me so, is part of who God truly wanted me to be. All that "lost" potential is still available by the grace of God. Only now has my battered psyche been healed enough to understand and be able not only to accept, but to desire that newness in Him. I'm sure other Christians have heard and maybe talked about "God's perfect timing". Do you truly know how perfect that watch of His really is? Have you felt it ticking away in your own life? I heartily recommend waiting on Him. When you do, there the beauty is. There the blessing is, and mostly, there the lesson lies.

Til next squeak,

1 Squeaks from the Maze:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this.

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