Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Sunday, April 6, 2008

A Sunday meme of sorts

This rather "deep" one is from Blog Talkers. #67, I might add. ;)

Be honest …
What is your most important goal in life? Why? (Please elaborate) How do you propose to get there? (Or how did you accomplish it). What sort of sacrifices will (or did) you have to make in order to achieve this goal? Once you’ve accomplished this goal, how will this change your life?

My most important goal in life was regaining custody of my kids. Yeah. Hands down, that was the single most important thing I have ever done. I think the why is pretty obvious but hey, let's define it, shall we? For one, it really confirmed to me that this life, this mommy-life, is truly what I wanted and needed. And for another, in a sick and strange way, it proved that whenever Mr. P. and I set our minds to something, we'll take everyone down 'til we get it done.
We worked our tails off, doing whatever DCF told us too. Jump? You got it! We didn't even ask how high, we just got to leapin'! It was the longest year and 27 days of my life, running on someone else's every whim like that.
I think the biggest sacrifice I personally made, aside from the obvious one of time in my kids lives' lost, was the idea that one day we'd have both sides of the family be able to mesh together happily, if only for the sake of the kids. Oh that went down the tubes quick. I rarely speak to my in-laws, and Mr. P. had to go through hell to get back in my mother's good graces. Really, that's not saying much though. I guess you'd have to know my mom.
The whole thing with having had the kids in foster care really changed my life in that I can't look at myself as a good mother, even though I *know* I am not that same person anymore. In my mind, I know I have worked hard, and come far to be this much better mother I am today. Tank will often say, "You're the best mommy we never had." Yeah, 4 year old speak. But in my heart, I still can't bring myself to feel like even a halfway decent mother. There's still that feeling of, "Well if you were a *good* mom, they never would've been taken in the first place." I guess time will heal that wound. I know the DCF case closing has at least scabbed it over. ;)

Til next squeak,

1 Squeaks from the Maze:

Susan Demeter said...

That is definitely a very worthy goal :)

Mine is up too now, if you have a chance stop by.

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