Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Falling Short

I have a tendency to compare myself to others. Not just people who are similar to me, and not just others that I aspire to be like. I'm talking about people who I have nothing in common with, and some who I barely get along with.
It's a bad habit, I know.
I've never been able to compare myself to myself. Very rare is the moment when I can look back at my life and say, "Oh hey, you've come far.", without adding in some kind of knock at myself for not being like so-and-so, or what's-her-face.
The feeling of constantly falling short is one I have lived with my whole life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be to live without it. I really gotta give some props to Mr. P. for putting up with this aspect of my personality for so long. If it annoys me at times, it's really gotta get on his nerves.
I have gotten the impression from people over the years that some think I am this way because I am looking for attention, or an ego stroking. Hmmm. Kinda hard to stroke something that's not there. (Mr. P., no comments about stroking I swear I'll delete 'em!!)
After awhile, it gets to the point where I remove myself from all contact with others. I have had people tell me that as a Christian, I absolutely should never isolate myself from the Body of Christ (not that I'm around other Christians much as it is), but I find that the only time I am truly concentrating on the Lord is when I am away from everyone else and all the "politics" of faith.
All that to say that when I feel low like this I find it even harder to turn to others, but especially harder to turn to Christ. I do not know why that is, but that's how I am. Mr. P. could probably give more insight on this. He is almost always the first to point out that I am withdrawing from him, and then the world in general. That's what it's felt like lately. The only ones I truly want to connect with are my husband, my kids, and my Savior. Everyone else can bugger off. Not the nicest attitude for someone proclaiming Christ I know, but I think more people feel this way, at least some of the time, than they care to admit. It would certainly explain all the fighting one sees amongst Christians.
One thing I notice in myself more often when I feel "flattened" is that I am more sensitive to the fact that outside of a few online interactions, I have no friends. I really do not know how to make friends either, which is probably strange for someone in their late twenties to say, but it's true. I feel as awkward as a kindergartner on the first day of school when it comes to making conversation. And nothing will make you feel like you come up short like feeling like a 5 year old.
So now it's late and until Mr. P. comes home from Da Lounge, I'm stuck here with my thoughts.
Time to go find a distraction.

Til next squeak,

3 Squeaks from the Maze:

Mr P said...

I promise not to make a stroking comment..ill behave for once. you always say that you wish you can be like me and talk to and open up to anyone, but thats just not who you are. Now i aint trying to limit you or say you can or will never be like that...Who knowa maybe oneday you will?!?!?!? What i am saying though is that for now you are who you are and that making friends isn t the easiest for you. Ill stand by you 100 percent though and we ll get ya talking to trees soon enough...Love ya even this early in the morn! Peace

Mrs. P. said...

Dang babe I just noticed the time stamp on your post! Yipes! I musta been dead to the world to not really realize you were 'putering this early.
I yams who'z I yams, huh? Yeah I know. ~pouts~ Doesn't mean I have to like it. I dunno, I just wish at times that I were more like the girl you first met. A little wacky, and way outgoing. How on earth did I get so introverted along the way?

Mr P said...

Not sure how it happened but i did...though you are making new fwiends in the neighborhood=)

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