Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Well that just burst my bubble

Have I mentioned how much I hate politics, and all things associated with politics? Like, say, political agendas?
I'm pro-choice. I don't hide and I don't apologize for it. Yes, I'm a Christian. I don't hide and I don't apologize for it. Guess what? It's possible to be both, despite what you may think.
However, getting into a debate over all this BS will kill any joy you may have. Let me tell you, sistah. I Can't
Just yesterday, I was thinking about how in a few days time, I'll be going in for my orthopedic appointment for this carpal tunnel garbage. Then we'll know what's going to happen, if I'm having surgery, and when. Yay! But even better than the prospect of no more paw pain was the joy of looking forward to my future with Mr. P.
You see, he finally gave me the go-ahead for us to try to conceive our 3rd child as soon as I've recovered from the surgery. Morph That's something I've been wanting and dreaming about for awhile now. I was thisclose to letting myself browse around for baby items, to dream of baby names, and to plan how to parent our newest sweet little one.
But, after I just had to stick my nose into a conversation about ending abortion (please hear my sarcasm there), now I'm stuck feeling like the world's biggest pile of troll poo.
I don't know if we'll have any more kids. That's not really in my hands to decide. Frankly, we're not the kind of people who should be having kids, and I know that. Most days, I don't let it bug me. I let my heart speak for me, not my logical mind. But then there's days like today when I know that if we did conceive, we'd probably be best off aborting. And if we do conceive, I'm sure we'll hear all about what a mistake we've made. Some days, I'm not sure if I want to go through that again. Other days, I think about how I have yet to have a truly joyful pregnancy, and maybe this time it could be different. After all, we are older now, and married. But then again, not much else has changed.
If you don't struggle with these sorts of thoughts and emotional battles, be grateful. It's not a great place to be. It'll really burst your bubble.

Til next squeak,

13 Squeaks from the Maze:

Snarfy said...

I love you, troll poo. When you get PG, you should move to Oregon. OHP covers homebirth, there are good churches, I'm here :3...

The only people who would be "dissapointed" in you for getitng PG are mega assholes anyways, whose opinions don't even matter.

Anonymous said...


You and Jay are good parents. Don't let anybody tell you different. Screw everybody who will whine and complain if you get pregnant again. This is between you, Jay & God and if you guys have another baby, that's your business.

FWIW, I think you rock. Don't let anybody tell you different.

<333 Maxime

Lori Watson said...

I used to be Pro-Choice until I watched a video of the procedure being done and it became clear to me that this was the taking of a life. Later I came to the belief that God creates life from conception and I don't believe we have the right to end that life.

My mother is just beginning a ministry to those emotionally scarred by abortions. She had one thirty years ago that still haunts her, and she wasn't a Christian at the time so it wasn't false guilt from judgemental Christians. But it did affect her all of her life and she wants to reach out in love to others like that.

I said all that just so you'll know where I'm coming from when I simply send you {{{HUGS}}} and encourage you that if God does give you another child at some point, rejoice in that and ignore the naysayers. Believe me, I heard plenty of negative comments about having 7 kids but I wouldn't trade them for the world (well, most days anyway!) and really, it's nobody else's business. I wanted one pregnancy that everyone was happy about (our first, we were too young. Our second and third, we were in college, what were we thinking? And the rest, "Don't you know what causes that?!" to which I replied, "Yes, and it's a lot of fun." Shut people up everytime!) but finally gave up on that and just decided that I would be happy and ignore everyone else!

Cat. said...

The ultimate Catch-22. Hugs. I'm glad you are movig forward with the carpal tunnel stuff. One step at a time, right?

Mrs. P. said...

Awww {{{{{guys}}}}}

Thanks so much for the love. I don't feel so much like a giant sack of troll poo now. (I know you love that image Katie)
Seriously, it's the times like this when I know life's not as dramatic as I make it out to be. I'm a mountainous molehill kinda gal. KWIM?

Snarfy said...

You ARE dramatic...but would you love you as much if you were boring and simple? :P

Mrs. P. said...

IDK, there's days I get sick of my own drama.

Mr P said...

You get sick of the drama...try living wit you lol! But srsly you just take alot of things to heart babe you aint nearly as cold and terminatorish as you try to be =) Smile more cry less and always remember..ILL be back

Anonymous said...

You smelly drama queen ;)

The Lazy Vegan said...

Hey, Mrs. P. Congrats on the upcoming carpal tunnel surgery and the attempt to have a third little one. Remember that pro-choice is about CHOICE, YOUR choice -- and you can remind anybody who tries to tell you otherwise about that. If you were to get preggers and just knew you couldn't have another baby, the option would be there for you, but by the same token, if you want another one, the choice to do so is only yours, not anyone else's business. Congratulations again!

Laurie said...

One thing I learned when my daughter died and I had a brief battle with guilt over the woulda/shoulda/coulda. I was all anguished over the idea that I should have known something and made some decision differently. But the reality that I was reminded of was that there was nothing for me to know and, even if I could have possibly garnered some teenie bit of info, it wouldn't have been enough to base real decisions on.

However, God knew... before my child... before I was even conceived. He knew how her life would play out. He knew the pain it would bring to many people. He had total power and authority to prevent her conception or to prevent her death. But, in His perfect wisdom and His perfect knowledge, He let it play out just as He did.

If God opts to bless you with more children, you won't know on that day what the whole story of their life will be. But God placed them in your life for a reason. Even if the full story ends up filled with pain (which, this is planet earth - I guarantee you it will be filled with some sort of pain), God is using that life, that person, for His good purpose. You can take that to the bank.

Don't let anyone tell you they know better than God. Watch out for that deceitful heart of yours too... I know, I've got one too.

Mrs. P. said...

TLV, thanks for that. I've been getting the whole "pro-choice is actually pro-abortion" thing so much lately from so many different sources that I let myself get crushed by the kind of self-loathing that I feel pro-lifers want us to feel.
Thanks for gently reminding me that there is a difference, and thanks for the congrats. :)

Mr P said...

Hugs you troll poo ..Love you more then I ever have! You gots toe strength to move forward when I do and well I wouldn t want anyone else when we are swinging for da fences against the world...

Blog Design by Split Decisionz