Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fertile ground

I'm infertile. I have a hard time saying that, even now. I know it in my head, but my heart screams out denials. When I first threw in the towel, followed God's prodding, and adopted quiverfull ideals (I'm still loathe to say "convictions"), I assumed I'd become pregnant shortly thereafter. Ha. I guess God had a lot more to show me than just trusting Him for my family size.
Hebrews 11:39,40. This just jumped out at me this week at the grocery store, of all places. (iPod apps are wonderful for this sort of thing)

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

If you are at all familiar with this chapter, you'll know that it's commonly referred to as the Hall of Faith (or sometimes Hall of Fame) chapter. Hmmm. Among many things us Christians tend to believe in the Bible, one of the biggies is that all God's promises are for us. After reading this chapter, particularly those verses, I'm sure that's not the case.
It's been 2 years now that I've been hoping, praying, and waiting on God to give us a new baby. About 8 months ago, I started to really question myself. Just what was it about me that God hated so much that He wouldn't bless me? Was it this? Was it that? Was it because of this thing I once did, or that thing I'd never do? Why wasn't He fulfilling His promise? What did I do wrong?
In the last 2 months though, God has worked amazing miracles in my heart. He's changed my way of thinking in subtle but stunning measures. He's lifted me from the depths of depression. Mostly, He's given me a compassionate heart where once there was stone. So much of these blessings would never have come if I were not infertile. Had I not been so broken, He couldn't have had the raw material with which to build me up.
Maybe God's promises to bless by opening the womb are not for me. Who knows. But I have learned that a broken heart can provide the Lord with surprisingly fertile ground for other, even more miraculous promises.

Til next squeak,

9 Squeaks from the Maze:

Snarfy said...

and.. now that you have come to peace about it, you will miraculously become pregnant at the most inopportune time.

Mrs. P. said...

For me, I don't believe there's ever an inopportune time. After all, I got pregnant with Tank (ds2) when we were homeless. Can't get any worse than that, right?

Snarfy said...

True that. I meant more like.. you have just plunked down money for a non refundable vacation to the tropics on your due date month or something. xD

Laurie said...

I've never encountered anyone with quite the same brand of not-going-to-get-pregnant-again as me (because I sorta had a tiny dose of being able to decide... sorta)... but, we're going to a Wait No More conference (Focus on the Family's movement to end the wait for kids sitting in foster care) tomorrow to build the family that has been on my heart since long before I ever knew what the pregnancy road was going to be like for me. Something to pray about.

Mrs. P. said...

Snarf, I'd still go. *lol*

Laurie, I pray I don't offend (because somehow, whenever I say this, it does), but adoption is actually not an option for us. Legally, not an option. After having had our own kids in foster care, been through a drawn-out DCF case, and all that, legally, we cannot adopt. Technically, having more of our own is kind of a gamble legally as well. However, I'm trusting God to provide for whatever blessings He gives us. Not too many people get a literal second chance with their children, and by His grace, we did. If He can provide that for us, surely He can provide the protections we need for others as well.

Laurie said...

Ya know - I thought about that possibilty as I wrote my comment and then worried that I might offend you by making assumptions and not mentioning the option! How retarded is the "I hope I don't offend you" game?

I am not in the slightest offended by you pointing out that I've offered an idea that is not an option for you.

I hope you are not offended that I offered. ;)

Mrs. P. said...

ROFL! Yeah, playing the "let's not offend each other game" can get silly after awhile. I'm not offended in the least bit. :)

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