Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Hormones, husbands, and the Holy Spirit

I was the little girl who swore she'd never have kids. There were many reasons for that, including selfishness, pride, self-doubt, and my own parents' failures. Obviously, things didn't turn out that way. Thank God for that!
Even though I am the mother of 2, until fairly recently, I also swore I'd never have any more than just my 2. Last year became a trying time for me, emotionally and spiritually. After a lot of searching, praying, and work of the Holy Spirit, I'm a much different woman in many ways. I'm also a much different mother, or at least I'd like to think so.
One thing I'm now dealing with is that for the first time in my life, I have baby fever. My kiddos are growing up so fast, and don't need my care quite so much anymore. Mostly though, God has shown me what a true blessing family, particularly a larger than average family, really can be. He has done some mighty works in mine in recent months. I find myself longing to add another sweet little child to this home. When the boys and I pray over dinner, I can't help but imagine what it'd be like to hear another small voice joined with us in a few years time. Or when I'm out running errands, daydreaming what it would be like to have a baby with us as well.
Now Mr. P., not so much. Right now, he's mired in a lot of stress with his job, and with life in general. He does not want another child. I'm not sure if it's a "just for now" thing, or more of a "we're done" thing. He knows my heart, but also knows that I take my role as his wife seriously enough that I will abide by his wishes. Having said that, we still aren't using hormonal birth control, nor are really being as "careful" as he'd like. I practice natural family planning, and I guess that's where God will have His will be done for now.
I finally understand the hurt many women go through when their husbands say "No more babies". I never got that before. I admit that I always used to think they were just being whiny. Why not just be satisfied with what you've got? While I still don't understand the drive to be pregnant, per se, I now can sympathize. Personally, I've never liked being pregnant, but I love being a mother. Especially the stage my kids are at now. They just crack me up every day, and challenge me to see the world in a different light. I think that's why I want so badly to have a few more kids. Not so much for the pregnancy, or the baby stages, but for the fresh perspective on life, and the new joy given to me each day. What a gift to this wounded heart! I just hope and pray Mr. P. will let the Holy Spirit work on his heart as well.

Til next squeak,

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