Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, March 8, 2008

When time seems short

This is a c & p from my MySpace but still relevant. All this occurred starting on February 8, 2008.

Recently I had a near death experience. OK so not quite so dramatic, but enough for me to turn my life around. Last month, I went to the ER for crushing chest pain. After a lifetime of being told by docs that I won't live to see (insert next age bracket here) I was terrified. You see, my grandmother died when my mom was the same age as my oldest son. I don't know much about my grandmother, other than how badly her loss effected my mom. She won't talk about her. She never really knew how to be a mom because of that loss. And now I in turn am learning how to be a good mom because I never really had one either. One death just trickles down the generations.
In the days leading up to my ER visit (and yes, that means I sat on my butt while having this chest pain because I was unsure if I was making a mountain out of a molehill), I had to face in my heart this fear of death. What would dying really mean to me? Here's what I learned. I begged God to let me see my sons return home from school, just to kiss them one more time. I thought about what my marriage meant to me, truly meant to me now that we have really come back from the brink of divorce. I wept for what I could see as lost years with my husband. I needed to make sure that those whom I held dear knew for a fact that I loved them, and would never doubt that if I were not there to tell them. How would my sons be raised? Would they grow knowing their mother? Would they become godly young men as I dream for them? How would Mr. P. handle being a single father? Would he mourn me or would he jump back into the dating scene? Would he weep for those lost years too?
After I had been seen and cleared, I had a startling change at home. Over the course of just a few days, I gained almost 70 lbs. Off to the doctor I went, afraid once more. What on earth could be causing all these problems? Turns out, a not-so-common reaction to a medication I was on caused edema. Yeah, I'd say! A change in meds, a "water pill" and I have lost the weight just as swiftly. I have come to the conclusion though that if I am to avoid gastric bypass surgery, I need to do something. So Mr. P. and I are changing our lives. We are going to be joining a gym. I plan on a consult with a dietician. And my goal is to get off these medications, if not to loose weight, then to buy more time. Time with my men.
Oh, and I made a promise to God. If He granted me that one last "after-school" with my kids, I would live as He asked of me, whatever the cost. I would listen for His voice. I am striving to uphold that promise. I want to live without regrets. To me, that means living for the Lord. Just how He wants that implemented remains to be seen, but I'm keeping my ears out. I don't know where that will bring us but I know I can trust in our Guide.

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