Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Pardon me ma'am, your atheism is showing.

Some of you may know that I was raised atheist. No, I don't mean just a casual kinda atheism either. My father was pretty ruthless in ensuring that faith did not enter into the lives of his children. Especially not the Christian faith that I believe to be Truth today.

The problem with having spent about 19 or so years of my life as an atheist is that it has created viewpoints that are completely incompatible with the faith I now proclaim. Quite frankly, it sucks.
For the most part, it does not even cross my mind unless I am in conversation (or worse, debate) with fellow Christians and I find myself either unable to get fired up like they do about the topic at hand, or else I wind up running defense for the other side. After one of those *lovely* chats, I find myself here, wandering the Maze of my spirit, searching out God and asking Him why am I so different from the rest.

Just as an example, I am pro-choice. I do not see that stance ever really changing. I simply have too much compassion and understanding for the women and girls who face sexual assault with a resulting pregnancy to say that abortion is always wrong and should be illegal. I cannot do it. Now, I know that as a Christian, I am wrong in feeling this way. My God tells me through His word that all life is known to Him from conception, yes, even before then. And yet...

Maybe it's because I was an unwanted child. Maybe it's because I'm a sexual assault survivor. Maybe it's because I am just a flawed human being who can't see the reasoning behind forcing my flawed thinking on others. But for whatever reason, I am stuck in this here conundrum. I know what's in my heart of hearts, and I know what I want to believe to be true. So what next?
It all comes back to the Bible. I have heard countless times that if you do not believe all of it, then by default, you believe none of it. I find that hard to swallow. Getting back on track, this verse often comes to mind:

Romans 12:2-

2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

God will transform and renew our minds, so long as we are not conforming to the patterns of this world. It is hard to be a non-conformist! It is hard to realize that a changed, renewed mind will come from God, and not of my own volition. If realizing is half the battle, then praise God, I'm halfway there! I somehow doubt that though.

Renewal takes removal...removal of oneself from the things of the daily grind that keep us from hearing His still, small voice. And I'll be the first to admit that I am lousy at that. My time is just that. *My* time. I find it hard, if not impossible to give even a fraction of it up to anyone, even God. I suppose that right there is part of the "pattern of this world". Time to start recognizing the pattern so that I might avoid it, methinks.

Til next squeak,

6 Squeaks from the Maze:

Cat. said...

I can't help responding to this--it caught my eye after reading your meme answers.

I see nothing incompatible with being pro-choice and Christian. I, personally, would probably not have an abortion under most circumstances, but I am not about to condemn anyone else for having one...or worse, criminalize someone for having or performing one.

I think being a Christian means discerning God's plan for our lives and following it, in the full happy knowledge that in spite of all our failings we are surrounded by the grace and mercy of Christ's love.

Being a parent gives me a little window on how God must feel about us: just as we love our kids regardless of their screwups, their stupid, hurtful actions and words, their annoying tics, God loves us even though we mess stuff up!! Isn't that just awesome? :-D

Hang in there, keep looking for The Big Plan for you. I am in awe of your bravery and open-mindedness in looking for God in spite of everything you've been through.

Mrs. P. said...

Thanks Cat!
You know, really, the Bible does tell us that even we as sinners know how to give good gifts to our kids so doesn't God know more than us how to give truly good gifts? And I personally think part of that is letting us fall on our faces time to time, then coming back for Him to pick us up, dust us off, scold us but good, and try again in spite of screwing up.
I thank Him continually for the gift of grace. Without it, I dread to think where I'd be, especially if I dwell on the trials I've faced in life *with* Him, KWIM?

Anonymous said...

I want to encourage you to just remain in God's word, pray and ask Him to clean out your spirit and mind and give you the mind of Christ. I read many posts here and knowing your past a bit, I can see why you feel as you do. God can change that in you, just trust in Him to do the changing and don't worry about airing it all right now. I will pray for you as well. I am, as you may already know, 100% pro-life and that will never change, but it took God to make me that way. I'm on CMOMB if you want to talk, I pm'd you. :-)

Mrs. P. said...

Tracy, thanks for your encourgement, but I think I am a little confused. I checked my inbox at CMOMB and I have no new pm's. Then again, things have been lagging and kinda nuts over there with the driver error lately. Can you try again? I'm not sure what handle you are. Oh wait, maybe I do? Anyway, thank you for your prayers. Lord knows, I sure can use them!

The Lazy Vegan said...

I am not Christian, but I very much admire that you *are* Christian and pro-choice nonetheless. Maybe that speaks to an awareness that your Christianity is yours, and should not interfere with others' viewpoints, values, or needs. If so, brava. I don't have a problem with Christianity per se, only that too often, I see that those who believe in it think it gives them the right to then impose those beliefs on others.

(And incidentally, pro-choice means pro-*CHOICE,* NOT pro-abortion, you know? Choice for every woman to make based upon her particular circumstances, no forcing either way. Too often, that gets lost in the rhetoric that goes on with this stuff.) Anyway, thanks for a great post.

Mrs. P. said...

TLV, thanks for stopping by!
I hear ya about pro-choice not equaling pro-abortion. Whenever I hear that particular turn of phrase, I think "Man, I'm not for every woman aborting every time. Where'd that come from?" KWIM?
Making the choice to follow Christ is indeed a very personal one, and imho, one that I can't make for others. Not even my own family. ;) Right Mr. P.? I think that those of us who are Christian owe it to those who aren't to show the respect we would have shown to us. Being a prick won't win people over to your way of thinking. But hey, that's just me. LOL.

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