Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Food is love.

The last 2 weeks have been quite trying around here, and after much thought and prayer, I've decided to share about how we've been doing. On 3/25, we had Ladybug's 4 month well-baby visit. Although I had thought she was healthy and otherwise fine, she was labeled as failure to thrive (FTT). She had gained only 10 ounces in 2 months' time. According to him, that was less than half of what she should've gained. The doctor ordered us to give her 2 ounces of formula at least twice a day in addition to nursing on demand. Upon hearing that dreaded "F" word (formula), I became pretty hysterical. I can admit that I didn't hear much of what the doc had to say after that. Thank God I had Mr. P. with me! Honestly, I praise God for him all the more during these last 2 weeks. He has had patience with me while I burst into tears every few hours, while I questioned every choice we made, while he literally held me up at Walmart when we bought bottles. I think it's safe to say that Mr. P. has had his fill of my tears for quite awhile. We spent that first weekend after Ladybug's diagnosis in a real panic. She utterly refused formula, no matter what we tried. A variety of bottles, droppers, syringes, cups and other infant feeding devices, and several brands of formula all ended with the same results. Her little face covered with formula she'd spat out, and tears of failure and self-loathing streaming down mine. The week began and we called our pediatrician's office. A return call from the nurse made things seem just that much more dire. We were slowly starving our daughter to death, and if we did not get formula or at the very least, rice cereal, into her, she would not survive. If I was freaking out before, now I was essentially not able to function for the fear coursing through me. Mr. P. and I decided to try following the advice of our mothers and some friends. We started Ladybug on solids. Some she likes (yogurt, sweet potatoes) and some she doesn't (carrots, rice cereal). While I am not terribly thrilled, our sons are beyond excited. They have each had a few turns feeding their baby sister. We have also stepped up the nursings. Currently, I offer the breast every 45 minutes. Some days, we nurse 18 times! My sheer panic has died down a bit, but I'm still struggling. It's so hard not to hate yourself for failing to provide all your baby needs. There is so much contradictory information out there about babies with FTT or slow gainers. I'm fearful of her weight check this Friday. If she hasn't gained enough to satisfy the doctor, what is the next step? Hospital admission? A DCF referral? No one will tell me, which of course makes the fear worse. Many have advised us to find a new pediatrician. It's something I am considering, but knowing me, I won't go through with it. Mr. P.'s family has used this practice for 3 generations now. I think my in-laws would utterly flip out if we switched. Our sons receive great care there. It's just hard in the first 2 years, especially if you breastfeed or are picky about vaccinations. The question becomes one of if we can live with going against our gut instincts? I'm not sure what the answer is. If you think of us this Friday, please pray for our family. Fear is not of God, and living in fear like this leaves me feeling distant from Him. Hopefully (prayerfully), this weight check will relieve this near constant panic over my daughter's well-being. His will be done. Til next squeak,

8 Squeaks from the Maze:

Suzanne McDaniel said...

Thinking about you and praying for you in this girl!

Stacy said...

I'll quote a dear friend of's a spin off of "you got this!"...GOD'S GOT THIS! Praying for you and your baby girl!

Anonymous said...

Praying for a good report from the doctor tomorrow. I don't think anybody could say that you aren't doing everything that you can for your sweet little daughter and that you have nothing but her best in mind. You are an amazing mom.

melanie said...

Praying for y'all tomorrow! Sending hugs to you, friend!

Brooke said...

I'm praying and will pray for tomorrow's visit, too. Many many hugs, mama. You are a wonderful mother!

Jenn said...

Thinking of you and praying that it's a great visit! You are such a great mama. :)

Laurie said...


Oh my could punch doctors who say stuff like that! OK, obviously they need to evaluate and work with you to ensure the child's health... but FTT based on a single visit!? My daughter was the slowest growing creautre... still is... but she's exactly the body type that God designed her as. She plays hard, sleeps well, eats well, and keeps up with her older brother with no complaints. And she passed more than a few first year visits with much less weight gain than was "normal". I remember when she turned two and, after weighing her, the nurse announced "she's made it onto the chart!" There is so much more to health than fitting into the prescribed weight ranges and doctors need to be extra sensitive in the way they speak and the way they react.

I'm so glad to have popped in to see if you were blogging again. You're often in my thoughts. I know I've never seen you in action, but I know you're a good mom doing right by her kids by Christ's strength in you.

Mrs. P. said...

Laurie!! I've been thinking of you and Dawn (HISstrengthinme) a lot lately! I lost your email addy. *facepalm* We've gotta catch up. :)

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