Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Friday, March 20, 2009

Act your age

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There's been a lot going on both in my head, and in my life lately. And since I am sick while typing this, chances are, not much will make sense. But hey, that's alright. I think sensical wordings are for the weak, and oddball trips into the fantastic for the brave hearted. Or just those trippin' on NyQuil.
So like I said, I'm sick. We're all sick here at Casa de P. (note to of P does not sound so great actually) It's been a fun week.
If you are a regular reader, or care to look back to last month, you'll know I recently took my GED test. Good news, I passed. With honors. I'm stunned. Looks like this lil mousie will be moving on to college in the fall.
Mr. P. and I have had some great outings in recent weeks. We've gone to see Watchmen, gone to the casino, and spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other's company. In true gamer-dork fashion, our best moments have been while playing video games together. Hey babe, there's no place to put that!
While all these things have been going on, what goes through my mind the most is that I am nearing my 28th birthday. Somehow, I feel old. I never thought I would even feel adult, never mind elderly. Perhaps it's some of the stress I've been under, or perhaps it's the emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just that ol' specter of the big 3-0 looming over me. After all, it's only 2 years away.
March is not only the month of my birth, but also the month of my rebirth. It's been 3 years now since I fell into Jesus' arms. Somehow, I feel worn out. I've noticed that this can often be a hard confession to make in the Christian community, but here it is. I've backslidden. Hard. I know that at this point, I'm not where I should be in my faith. Now there's a tough realization to come to. Mostly because once you admit it, it then becomes a case of what do you do then?
Honestly, I am not sure. The obvious answer would be to go back to church, pick up my Bible once again, get back down on my knees before the Lord. And yet somehow that all seems so difficult. It's not that I love my Savior any less. It's more that life now seems so big. Between the kids, my husband, our home, the economy, my overblown emotions, my mother, my friends, and this wildly crazystupidaddicting thing we call the internet, making time every day for Him always seems to take a back seat.
Now I know I'm not the only one in that respect. Many mothers have similar issues. Our lives of caring for our kids and homes seem to take up so much. It's more or less universal. It's just that so many moms make it look effortless to maintain a full and growing spiritual life while nurturing a full and growing family. Covet not thy neighbor's mad organizational and time management skills, I suppose.
So some days I feel old. Creaking in my joints kinda old. Then again, I also know that I rarely act my age. After all, I am confessing to choosing video games and comic books over the Bible and prayer time.
Honestly, I'm not sure how to move on from this point. A worldly bit of advice that was tossed around in my childhood was to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hop to. I've been under the impression that when it comes to matters of faith, trusting on the Lord to pull you up is of far more import than hauling your own sorry butt around.
Well, all that to say that I am in a not so great spot mentally, but pretty rawkin' spot in every other sense. Unfortunately, it's probably gonna effect my blogging. I do apologize for any tantrums and whining rambles that may come forth in the next few months. It's all a side effect of trying to act my age.

Til next squeak,

3 Squeaks from the Maze:

Mr P said...

S'okay...Its true we are gamer dorks...Least I don t Squeal at Watchmen heh heh! Anywho I sorry you all confizzled bout the backsliding thing Its not like you got a rock solid christian man to lead and help you...You are stuck wit my ass!!!!! Kisses and Loves

Laurie said...

Hey you. I always like to think that part of the reason that others "appear" so pulled together and growing is because I have such a narrow window into their lives... might just be wishful thinking on my part but it can give me a moments relief when I need it most.

I have to kick myself because you've been on my mind so much in the last month or so: I've been reading this book "The Invisible War" by Chip Ingram and he frequently makes reference to those spiritual attacks where we become our harshest critic in our spiritual walk and when we find ourselves even wondering if we're even saved. I keep wanting to send you a recommendation for the book - should have responding to that holy prompt already, I guess. Mark another tally in the "letting things slide" column for me. :)

Anyhoo, you're not alone. You never are. It's just hard to feel it when everyone is so busy putting their absolute best foot forward.

Prayin' for you... in a totally nodding my head way, not a shaking my head way.

Mrs. P. said...

Laurie, I try to tell myself that too. The whole "grass is always greener" bit. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
I've always been my own harshest critic. No shock there. I don't know what it is, but I have always had the hardest time seeing the good in myself yet I can find at least 3 good things to say about most everyone I meet.
I was just saying earlier today on FB that sometimes, being a Chrisitian mother feels like a rat race. Everyone is scrambling for the top, to be the very bestest of the bunch. Kinda saddens me because I doubt Jesus ever intended for this life to be that way. KWIM?

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