I don't know if anyone else feels like this from time to time. For me, whenever God is trying to teach me something, it involves waiting. Because I'm thick-headed, I rage against this spiritual load time. This poem just about ripped my hurting heart out but in a good way! I thought I'd share it for anyone else going through a period of waiting on the Lord.
Wait by Russell Kelfer
Til next squeak,
It's been awhile since I last blogged. There's been a lot going on both in my head, and in my life lately. And since I am sick while typing this, chances are, not much will make sense. But hey, that's alright. I think sensical wordings are for the weak, and oddball trips into the fantastic for the brave hearted. Or just those trippin' on NyQuil.
So like I said, I'm sick. We're all sick here at Casa de P. (note to self...house of P does not sound so great actually) It's been a fun week.
If you are a regular reader, or care to look back to last month, you'll know I recently took my GED test. Good news, I passed. With honors. I'm stunned. Looks like this lil mousie will be moving on to college in the fall.
Mr. P. and I have had some great outings in recent weeks. We've gone to see Watchmen, gone to the casino, and spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other's company. In true gamer-dork fashion, our best moments have been while playing video games together. Hey babe, there's no place to put that!
While all these things have been going on, what goes through my mind the most is that I am nearing my 28th birthday. Somehow, I feel old. I never thought I would even feel adult, never mind elderly. Perhaps it's some of the stress I've been under, or perhaps it's the emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just that ol' specter of the big 3-0 looming over me. After all, it's only 2 years away.
March is not only the month of my birth, but also the month of my rebirth. It's been 3 years now since I fell into Jesus' arms. Somehow, I feel worn out. I've noticed that this can often be a hard confession to make in the Christian community, but here it is. I've backslidden. Hard. I know that at this point, I'm not where I should be in my faith. Now there's a tough realization to come to. Mostly because once you admit it, it then becomes a case of what do you do then?
Honestly, I am not sure. The obvious answer would be to go back to church, pick up my Bible once again, get back down on my knees before the Lord. And yet somehow that all seems so difficult. It's not that I love my Savior any less. It's more that life now seems so big. Between the kids, my husband, our home, the economy, my overblown emotions, my mother, my friends, and this wildly crazystupidaddicting thing we call the internet, making time every day for Him always seems to take a back seat.
Now I know I'm not the only one in that respect. Many mothers have similar issues. Our lives of caring for our kids and homes seem to take up so much. It's more or less universal. It's just that so many moms make it look effortless to maintain a full and growing spiritual life while nurturing a full and growing family. Covet not thy neighbor's mad organizational and time management skills, I suppose.
So some days I feel old. Creaking in my joints kinda old. Then again, I also know that I rarely act my age. After all, I am confessing to choosing video games and comic books over the Bible and prayer time.
Honestly, I'm not sure how to move on from this point. A worldly bit of advice that was tossed around in my childhood was to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hop to. I've been under the impression that when it comes to matters of faith, trusting on the Lord to pull you up is of far more import than hauling your own sorry butt around.
Well, all that to say that I am in a not so great spot mentally, but pretty rawkin' spot in every other sense. Unfortunately, it's probably gonna effect my blogging. I do apologize for any tantrums and whining rambles that may come forth in the next few months. It's all a side effect of trying to act my age.
Til next squeak,
