Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

2 hour Frankenstein party

Frankensmiley At least that's what I'm calling my EMG/nerve conduction study that was done yesterday. The urge to shout "It's ALI-I-I-I-I-I-I-IVE!!" was great, especially when those godforsaken electrified needles were shoved in my neck.
Seriously, although the experience was not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still pretty darn high on my personal not-cool-o-meter. Like a 9.5. Easily.
I had gone in to test for a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area. Good times, good times. For about 3 weeks, my right arm has been bugging me. Ok, so I've wanted to gnaw it off in the night. It's been worse than I care to admit. Pain, numbness, and all that jazz. More than that though, I've hated how it's interfered with my life. In the last 2 months, I've gotten to be fairly active. Just a glance at my weight loss ticker will tell you that. I've been able to do more around the house, be more of a mother to my kids, and feel more like the wife I want to be to Mr. P. Until this nerve thing , that is.
When I went in, I was thinking that we'd figure out just where this stinkin' nerve got pinched so I could let my physical therapist know. (I start today!) Then, in a matter of a few days or weeks at most, I'd be back to normal, getting more active every day. That got shit all over, in plain words.
The tests showed I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome, and the doctor has recommended surgery. Somehow I feel like a fool. How does someone who doesn't do anything get this?! I kept asking him if it was because of my weight. (yes I'm actually clinging to the hope that if I just lose enough weight, I'll get my arm back...dumb huh?) Unfortunately, that's likely not the case. He said it looks like this all started about 10 years ago or more.
Sobbing Can you tell I'm not handling this well? I handled my cancer diagnosis years ago better than this! I know in my head that I'm being an ass, but I can't help it. I feel like a part of me has been stolen away. For about 3 years, I've been telling my doc that my arm and neck have been hurting...badly. He always said it was in my head, or better yet, in my fat. The one time I pressed the issue about my body pain, I was sent to the rheumatology department at UCONN. Guess what they said? Yup, in my head. So, I accepted it. It took about a year, but I did. The days when I couldn't even lift my blankie over my head because of the pain and weakness, I told myself to power through it. After all, it was just in my head. The days I couldn't do any housework because of the pain, I told myself it was because I'm a horrible wife and mother, even a rotten Christian. And now? Now I know it's because my arm was deteriorating, and I never knew it.
I can't help but think of my maternal grandmother. She died when my mom was 6. She had had gall stones that went undiagnosed til it was too late. They kept telling her it was in her head. I really just feel for her in a new way now. At least for me, it's just my quality of life and not my actual life that was put in danger. So much can be lost when doctors won't take patients seriously.
Anyway, I'm off my soapbox now. I'm still in shock about all this, and trying to process it. I don't think I'll ever really understand how I got to this point, but I'll leave that for God to know. Right now, all I can do is try to make an informed decision about what to do from here. I know I'm being a baby. And a drama queen. 3D Prom Queen If you guys would just pray for me? Help me get a grip? Heck, send me a cyber smack upside the head!
Oh, and if you ever have 2 hours of free time, I recommend a Frankenstein party. Maybe your doc will have his fly unzipped the whole time like mine did. At least that made it fairly amusing.

Til next squeak,

1 Squeaks from the Maze:

Mr P said...

Did you do the monster mash while all franked up loL!!!!!!!!!!!!

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