Heart and soul.

A week and a half ago, our lives changed forever. My husband, my heart and soul, was hospitalized for 4 days. He was diagnosed tentatively with cardiomyopathy, and congestive heart failure. Prayerfully, we will find out more when he has an angiogram which will be scheduled at his cardiologist appointment later this month.
While I believe with everything in me that God only gives what we can handle, and that He has a plan far greater than our own, I admit I am having an incredibly difficult time facing this. I'm terrified, as is Mr. P. I'm angry, not only at myself, but at God. These last 7 years have been trying for us, both as a couple and as a family. God must think we are super strong people. Personally, I have my doubts.
It's hard to face the future, knowing nothing more about my husband's diagnosis other than it is not reversible, and that it will shorten his life span. I've always been the kind of person who needs to know, even if only vaguely, what the future brings. Not my best quality, to be sure. The thought of losing Mr. P. really spikes fear into my heart. I know he is probably sick of me constantly asking him if he's ok, and telling him how much I love him. I heard this song on the radio while running errands with the kids today. I was unable to curb the urge to call home and tell Mr. P. just that. Just to make sure he knows not only does he have my heart, but that he is my heart.
I think of the 2 friends I have who are widows, and how I've admired them so much for their strength. Staring into that possible future makes me wonder if it came to that, would I be as strong as them? Could I hold it together for our kids? And would I ever be able to forgive God? I just don't know. Fear is speaking now, even though I know fear is not of God.
This all seems so much to bear, especially for a little family who has already endured so much. So many of our friends and family have said if they can do anything for us, we need only to ask. I wish I could just ask, and have them take all of this away. I wish I could just ask, and have them make everything magically better. I know it doesn't work that way, but oh how I wish it did. I worry about what else God feels like dumping on us, what more He thinks we can handle.
My mind cannot think of an eloquent way to close this post out. It's late, and my fear and sadness are overwhelming tonight. If you think of us, please pray. Maybe God will hear you more than He hears me right now.

Til next squeak,

Brown chicken, brown cow.

Read the post title aloud. Now say it again. A little faster. Ok, just one more time.

Now think about this:
That's one kinky barnyard!


That is all.

Til next squeak,

I am Jack's carpal tunnel.

I get inflamed and squish Jack's median nerve. Jack can't feel his fingers.

Ye-e-e-e-ah, so I saw Fight Club for the first time last night. Holy smokes! If you've never seen it before, you don't know what you're missing!
I will say that one should have a high tolerance for violence, foul language, and crude humor before considering watching this movie. However, if you fit that description, go for it! Join the dork side! We have cookies!
Now I'll sit back and wait for the inevitable comment (likely from Mr. P.) about how I just broke the 1st rule of Fight Club.

Til next squeak,

I just don't get it anymore.

Mr. P. and I have been having on-going conversations about people-in-general, Christians-specifically, and hypocrisy. Frankly, I'm all confuseded now.
If you change your mind on something, you're a hypocrite. If you tell someone else to do/think something you don't or haven't previously, you're a hypocrite. And of course, Christians are hypocrites more than the general population. (hope your hearing my sarcasm) Oh, and being a hypocrite is the worst thing one could end up being.
Have I got all the bases covered there?
How's a person supposed to feel about hypocrisy? And is a Christian supposed to ignore feeling like a hypocrite and chalk it up to spiritual growth? Or does that depend on what's making the Christian in question (say that 10x fast) feel like a hypocrite?
This just makes my head hurt.

Til next squeak,

File this under...

"People who probably shouldn't be famous but for some messed up reason...are."
What a file tab huh?
This post may offend readers, but probably not as much as Mr. P.'s post on the same topic. Although, if you're not easily offended by coarse language, it may give you a chuckle.
Let's have a little chat about famous people and how they got that way. Last night on TLC, the Duggar family's new series began. Mr. P. and I always have some pretty interesting conversations when it comes to 2 types of shows. Baby-related shows, and wife-swapping shows. So when I mentioned to him about clan Duggar's latest effort (take that how you will), he frothed at the mouth for a bit about how their fame is just as unwarranted as Paris Hilton's. And ironically, they're all famous for about the same reasons. Wait, Mr. P., surely you aren't equating this fine upstanding Christian family to a porno-filming, consequence-dodging, media whore? Oh yeah.
But his reasoning did make me think on this most of the night. What is it that makes people either love or hate the Duggars? Likewise, people either love or hate Paris. And really, how did these people get so famous?
With Paris, it doesn't take that much imagination to figure out the how's and why's of her fame. As Mr. P. put it, she got a record deal 'cause she knows how to blow. Not that that couldn't be said of other starlets, but let's try to stick to this particular piece of work. (BTW, anyone remember her stab at musical fame? Bwah. ~shudders~)
But then we have the Duggar family. I'll admit they are not the typical family, what with 17 kids and all. But, and this is a big but, they certainly are not the only large Quiverfull family out there. They're merely the one captured by the media most often. And if we're gonna go down that road, Mrs. Duggar doesn't even hold a childbirth record. So why the buzz over them? Is it the "J" names for the kids? Is it the throwback clothes and hair? Is it just shock and awe at the notion of a married couple never using birth control? Egads how irresponsible! I think it's a variety of those reasons. That, and people like to snoop in on others' lives. (After all, that's the meat and potatoes of reality tv. A chance to legally pry into someone else's life for an hour of so every week.)
I think I agree with Mr. P. to a point that the Duggars wouldn't have half of what they do if it weren't for their fame. Then again, their fame has also challenged people's notions of what a family is, should be, or could be. I know that it's been my friendships with QF mamas that has begun to change how I look at my own kids, and how I think of other people's families as well. I'm of a mind that a little tolerance goes a long way, and isn't a fresh outlook always a good thing?
So, maybe the truth is I'll be filing this all under "Things I haven't really figured out but will still blog about and hound Mr. P. about til that day I do clear the brain fog". Hey, that's even better tab! Let's go with that for now.

Til next squeak,

So that's the difference!

Mr. P. and I love going to the movies when we have the chance. It's not too often we get to go, but we almost always agree on what to see.
Everyone I know is all a-flutter about Fireproof, which is apparently the fall's biggest chick flick. Bleck. Not my thing. I know that makes me a bad Christian, bad wife, bad woman, and probably a bad person in general that I find that movie just sappy and ridiculous.
Mr. P. and I are hoping to have the extra funds (heck, any incoming funds, but that's a different story) in October to see Saw 5. Mwuhahahahaha! I guess that's just the kind of people we are. A gory murder thriller will do more for our marriage than an uplifting little movie about saving ones marriage through God. Speaks volumes huh?

Til next squeak,

So I am Monkey Face...

...because I'm married to Johnny Test.

Til next squeak,

One year closer to death

Tomorrow is Mr. P.'s birthday. He'll be 28.
The poor guy has a thing about aging. So of course I must tease him about "pushing thirty". What better way to do so than to blog about him? :P
I love Mr. P. No matter what else we've been through, no matter what else I say about him, there's still love in my heart. After almost 9 years with him, I'd sure hope so.
But now that you're one year closer to death, dear, I must say this. Have you purchased that life insurance yet? ;D

Til next squeak,

Survivor: Meat-agasgar

"Somewhere we have hidden an immunity idol..."

Cooking with Mr. P. can be oh so fun!

Til next squeak,