Mired.

Well, I'm stuck. My brain feels like goo most days, and although I participate (or at least lurk amongst) many fantastic intellectual conversations online (mostly Facebook), the idea of blogging about, well, anything beyond the random family update confounds me. Maybe it's the summer heat (91 today in Connecticut). Maybe it's still adjusting to life with 3 kids. Or maybe I'm just too dumb to continue acting as though I am not. *shrugs*
I'm kicking around the idea of starting a new blog. Not abandoning this one per se. Just a change of pace. I often wonder if anyone still comes here and reads this blog. Now that I have either been banned from or simply left 99% of the message boards I once frequented, I doubt word gets out about what few new posts I make anymore. I tell myself I'm ok with that. I'm in a new phase of life. Perhaps this is God calling me to more "IRL" friendships? That is admittedly a terrifying prospect.
Since April of this year, I've felt as though I've lost my moorings. I've never once felt as though I fit in anywhere, and much like my 4th and 3rd grade aged sons, that hurts my feelings. I think that deep down, everyone wants to belong. Even those who stridently claim "I'm confident in who I am and I don't need anyone!". I just can't believe I'm 30 years old and still haven't found my way.
So, yeah. If you're reading this, thank you. We'll see where this new path takes us, yes?

Til next squeak,

Fertile ground

I'm infertile. I have a hard time saying that, even now. I know it in my head, but my heart screams out denials. When I first threw in the towel, followed God's prodding, and adopted quiverfull ideals (I'm still loathe to say "convictions"), I assumed I'd become pregnant shortly thereafter. Ha. I guess God had a lot more to show me than just trusting Him for my family size.
Hebrews 11:39,40. This just jumped out at me this week at the grocery store, of all places. (iPod apps are wonderful for this sort of thing)

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.
God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

If you are at all familiar with this chapter, you'll know that it's commonly referred to as the Hall of Faith (or sometimes Hall of Fame) chapter. Hmmm. Among many things us Christians tend to believe in the Bible, one of the biggies is that all God's promises are for us. After reading this chapter, particularly those verses, I'm sure that's not the case.
It's been 2 years now that I've been hoping, praying, and waiting on God to give us a new baby. About 8 months ago, I started to really question myself. Just what was it about me that God hated so much that He wouldn't bless me? Was it this? Was it that? Was it because of this thing I once did, or that thing I'd never do? Why wasn't He fulfilling His promise? What did I do wrong?
In the last 2 months though, God has worked amazing miracles in my heart. He's changed my way of thinking in subtle but stunning measures. He's lifted me from the depths of depression. Mostly, He's given me a compassionate heart where once there was stone. So much of these blessings would never have come if I were not infertile. Had I not been so broken, He couldn't have had the raw material with which to build me up.
Maybe God's promises to bless by opening the womb are not for me. Who knows. But I have learned that a broken heart can provide the Lord with surprisingly fertile ground for other, even more miraculous promises.

Til next squeak,

Because of Him

So, if you'll glance up at my profile picture, you'll see that I'm fat. That's fat with a "f" not a "ph". There's a difference you know! (a cookie if you get that reference!)
In the last 2 years, I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. Back in February, we had a change of insurance, which also meant a change of doctors. Never my favorite thing. I put it off for months, even after my hbp and migraine medications ran out. 2 weeks ago, I got Mr. P. and I in to see a new doctor.
I was fully prepared to hear about the weight issue. Frankly, I cannot go anywhere medically related without it coming up, even when it's really not pertinent. However, I was not prepared for my blood pressure to have normalized! Let me tell you, that's a miracle straight from God right there!
Both Mr. P. and I had a round of bloodwork done. The results were not exactly great for either of us. My cholesterol was 204. They want it under 200. Egads. I'm honestly embarrassed by it. Prior to this year, I've always tried to be careful about what I eat, if not necessarily how much I eat. Other than that though, my workup was pretty good.
Mr. P. has to go for further tests. For reasons we do not yet know, his liver isn't functioning as it should. He is also pre-diabetic.
I think for us both, this is a wake up call. And personally, I think God is trying to tell us something. If our bodies are His temple, well, He's probably tired of such sub par environments.
Mr. P. and I have both decided to try to make the changes we need to in order to get our own health straightened out, and to be a good example for our children. Perhaps this is why we have yet to conceive. Maybe we needed to work out more important things first.
For those of you reading this and feel so led, please pray for us as we try to live a healthy life style. This is all new territory for us. A friend recently told me that she didn't have true success in changing her health habits until she relied on God. I'm praying God will give us the strength as well.

Til next squeak,

A slightly sinking feeling

I'm not a very good liberal. Honestly. Then again, I don't think I have it in me to be a conservative. So, where does one go from here?
I've got that old sinking feeling that God's about to boot me in the behind to a new level of...something. Exactly what I don't know, but the feeling is there.
It's been on my heart for awhile now that perhaps some of the things we've been going through as a family and on a personal level have been due to my not-conservative-ness. So often you hear that God wants His people to be xyz because the Bible says abc and of course this means you should think/feel/believe 123. Gah. It's enough to make one want to rip their hair out in frustration.
The question then becomes one of belief vs. fake-itude. (love my word-makeitup-ness? I know I do) If God truly wants His flock to genuinely believe xyz, then is it acceptable to "fake it til ya make it"? How does one change a belief? Is it even possible?
Do you just research the issues? Or just read your Bible? Do you just say "God says this, so I believe this", even if you don't feel it in your heart?
Mmmm, that taste in your throat yet? Perhaps it's your own version of that slightly sinking feeling.

Til next squeak,

The unexpected places

Sometimes, it not only takes me by surprise, but amazes me entirely the way God can speak to our hearts.
In the last 5 months or so, I've been battling depression...again. In my life, I've been in treatment 4+ years for various mental disorders. And a few years ago, I thought, by the grace of God, I'd had it licked.
Guess I was wrong.
As I sunk lower into myself and the hurts I've been feeling, I drifted farther away from my Lord and Savior. Oftentimes, I felt as though I've been talking to brick wall when it came to my prayers and times of seeking His face. Where was He when my heart was breaking? Didn't He always promise to be with us every step of the way? Why are all these things happening to me? Did I screw up big time, or is there a meaning to all this?
While those questions still plague me, God found me today. Or rather, I found Him in a very unexpected place.
Earlier, I wrote an email to a dear sister in Christ. And while I was sharing my heart with her, our Lord shared His with me.
I don't know how many of you were taught to swim by being tossed unceremoniously into the pool by your dad. Lord knows I was! Picture for a moment, the small child being scooped up into her daddy's safe embrace. As he walks towards the cool blue waters, she feels no fear. But then, all that is gone in an instant. She finds herself sinking fast, wondering why her loving father would toss her away, sinking into deeper waters than she could handle.
As she flounders in the pool, kicking with all her might, her father looks on, knowing just when he should intervene.
One moment she's terrified, darkness closing in around her. The next, she feels her daddy's strong arms around her, pulling her to safety.
You know, I think God is like that too, except with deeper knowledge of pool safety.
Deep water faith in the shallow end. That's how most of us live our lives of faith. Confident we can handle what comes our way because, after all, our heads are way above water. And one day, our Father scoops us up for that walk to deeper waters. He knows we can not only survive it, but grow to be stronger swimmers from some time in the deep end of the pool. And with a heart stopping plunge, we find ourselves in a sink-or-swim situation. I'll be the first to admit that the struggle for the surface can be harrowing. However, once we can clear the water from our ears, we can be sure to hear His voice.
"Did you know you could do that, My darling child? Know that I'm always watching over you as test out these deeper waters. Under My watchful eye, you'll grow to be comfortable and confident in the pool. And should you need Me, I'm right here to pull you out."
Yes, God can find us in some unexpected places. Be it poolside or simply in front of our inbox.

Til next squeak,

Testing my randomness

Welcome to Random Rambling 101. No, you haven't lost your mind. But clearly, I'm losing mine.

I'm known for my mouth. As in my mouth tends to get me in deep trouble. Each time I go through these periods where I am no longer able to keep my pie hole shut, I find myself praying. I usually end up telling God that I don't wanna be this way, that I want to be able to have the grace to shut the frig up in all situations.
Heh. Careful whatcha pray for. Lately it seems that even on the days I'd like to yammer the day away, I can't. After many years of sticking my foot in my mouth, apparently, God decided to duct tape it shut while said appendage was jammed deep in there.

---

I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned on this blog a time or 2 my disdain for the movie Fireproof. My ongoing point in the seemingly endless debate over this movie has been that watching a movie is not a cure-all for a floundering marriage, and all the ideals and principals taught in the movie can be had simply by praying, reading the Word, and most importantly, waiting on God.
Many times I've been told that my judgement of this movie was wildly inaccurate, mostly in part to my refusal to waste my money watching it.
And then came Netflix...
Mr. P. and I popped Fireproof onto our queue. And a few weeks ago, it arrived. Admittedly, we sat on it. It was in our home for a good week and a half before we cracked it open. Our initial plan was to completely obliterated with Mr. Grey Goose before seeing this flick. Somehow, that never happened. Yes, I watched Fireproof stone-cold sober.
LE GASP!
We actually ended up watching with our 5 year old son, Tank. I will say that if you are the kinda parent who is not too terribly concerned about censoring your kids, it can be a family appropriate movie. This is particularly true if you like grabbing those "teachable moments" by the horn.
Although I still stand by original theories, I will say that this movie wasn't as horrible as we figured it would be. Both the fire crew and the nurses make this movie, in my opinion. I wish anyone would've mentioned the moments of light-hearted humor in this flick. I think it would've gone a long way towards bolstering my opinion of it. That said, the acting is pretty lame, but you overlook it after about an hour.
What I'm still trying to comprehend is why many Christians claim it is THE way to repair or improve a marriage. If anything, the story shows that saving your marriage is by no means easy or automatic.
For our part, Mr. P. and I both recognized many of the same things we went through and learned in both the year leading up to our near-divorce and the first year of trying to fall back in love. I know I speak for us both when I say that I am so glad we're beyond those trying times.
So, Fireproof ain't all that bad. Would I recommend it to a couple struggling in their marriage? Probably not. But that's just me. I guess I'm still not on the Fireproof bandwagon after all.

---

We're in the end-of-the-school-year stretch! w00t! I cannot wait til summer vacation. The sleeping in, the lazy days, the freedom to do things with my sons that I normally wouldn't have the time for! I'm sure that come August, I'll be ready for them to go back. But for now, I'm glad to be where we are.

---

This struggle with SI (secondary infertility) has become both easier and harder. Coping with the range of emotions has become a bit easier, especially since severely limiting my online time. However, coping with the reality that we may never have the family size I've come to dream of and pray for has been so very hard. I find myself wondering if it's God punishing me for all the sins and mistakes of my life. I've found only cold comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in those feelings. Many others who experience SI often have moments like these too.
One thing I've learned is to shut the hell up about our struggles or my feelings on this topic. Too many times I've hard my heart ripped out by those who cannot understand all the things that come with SI. Sometimes, protecting oneself from hurt means protecting oneself from people.

---

So that's my randomness for the month. I guess I'm still good at purging my mind. Thank God for that much!

Til next squeak,

The view from here

There was once a time in my life when I'd would just talk a person's ear off, especially if I was going through some emotional turmoil.
These days, I find myself withdrawing and turning to nothing in particular. It's an odd place to be. Sitting at the 'puter and staring blankly at the screen all day has not been fun.
I keep thinking of the trip to Disney World my family took back when I was 11 or 12 years old. When our plane reached Atlanta, we spent over an hour circling the airport. Why? Nasty storms had descended upon the area but from our vantage, things looked more or less fine.
Perhaps that's what is going on in my life now. Maybe God has me in a holding pattern because from where I sit, I can't see the storms He's protecting me from. I'd imagine we've all seen that bumper sticker that reads "God is my co-pilot". What a strange thing to feel in action though.
There's been so very much on my mind and my heart lately that I can't find the words for. Everything seems to have been put on pause for now. I'm not sure why God has chosen to leave me in this spot, waiting. The part of me that continually struggles to grow in faith feels like an abandoned child. The other part of me, the part that speaks in cool tones of reason, tells me that Father knows best, and much like that plane trip of long ago, sometimes the weather isn't always as peachy as it would seem to be.
I don't know about you, but there are times I wish I could see clearly from God's spot on the tarmac. You would think the view from up here would be so much more enthralling. But once you're above those clouds, well, that's all you see. You need your man on the ground to bring you in safely. You've got to trust in his judgement, no matter how you may long to land that bird and go have a glass of wine.
I'm still clinging to the hope that some day, God will tell me to come on down from above these as-yet-unseen-by-me storm clouds. The view from here is getting bland and tiring. Til then though, there's not much to do but wait on instructions from my Man on the ground.

Til next squeak,

Act your age

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There's been a lot going on both in my head, and in my life lately. And since I am sick while typing this, chances are, not much will make sense. But hey, that's alright. I think sensical wordings are for the weak, and oddball trips into the fantastic for the brave hearted. Or just those trippin' on NyQuil.
So like I said, I'm sick. We're all sick here at Casa de P. (note to self...house of P does not sound so great actually) It's been a fun week.
If you are a regular reader, or care to look back to last month, you'll know I recently took my GED test. Good news, I passed. With honors. I'm stunned. Looks like this lil mousie will be moving on to college in the fall.
Mr. P. and I have had some great outings in recent weeks. We've gone to see Watchmen, gone to the casino, and spent a lot of time together just enjoying each other's company. In true gamer-dork fashion, our best moments have been while playing video games together. Hey babe, there's no place to put that!
While all these things have been going on, what goes through my mind the most is that I am nearing my 28th birthday. Somehow, I feel old. I never thought I would even feel adult, never mind elderly. Perhaps it's some of the stress I've been under, or perhaps it's the emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just that ol' specter of the big 3-0 looming over me. After all, it's only 2 years away.
March is not only the month of my birth, but also the month of my rebirth. It's been 3 years now since I fell into Jesus' arms. Somehow, I feel worn out. I've noticed that this can often be a hard confession to make in the Christian community, but here it is. I've backslidden. Hard. I know that at this point, I'm not where I should be in my faith. Now there's a tough realization to come to. Mostly because once you admit it, it then becomes a case of what do you do then?
Honestly, I am not sure. The obvious answer would be to go back to church, pick up my Bible once again, get back down on my knees before the Lord. And yet somehow that all seems so difficult. It's not that I love my Savior any less. It's more that life now seems so big. Between the kids, my husband, our home, the economy, my overblown emotions, my mother, my friends, and this wildly crazystupidaddicting thing we call the internet, making time every day for Him always seems to take a back seat.
Now I know I'm not the only one in that respect. Many mothers have similar issues. Our lives of caring for our kids and homes seem to take up so much. It's more or less universal. It's just that so many moms make it look effortless to maintain a full and growing spiritual life while nurturing a full and growing family. Covet not thy neighbor's mad organizational and time management skills, I suppose.
So some days I feel old. Creaking in my joints kinda old. Then again, I also know that I rarely act my age. After all, I am confessing to choosing video games and comic books over the Bible and prayer time.
Honestly, I'm not sure how to move on from this point. A worldly bit of advice that was tossed around in my childhood was to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hop to. I've been under the impression that when it comes to matters of faith, trusting on the Lord to pull you up is of far more import than hauling your own sorry butt around.
Well, all that to say that I am in a not so great spot mentally, but pretty rawkin' spot in every other sense. Unfortunately, it's probably gonna effect my blogging. I do apologize for any tantrums and whining rambles that may come forth in the next few months. It's all a side effect of trying to act my age.

Til next squeak,

A complex complex

I've been told I have an inferiority complex. Yeah, no kidding.

So, having recently joined Facebook, that dubious joy of a site that allows you to find more people than you ever thought you'd lost track of, that ol' "gosh I'm a loser" blues really set in.
Honestly though, after finding an abundance of people (some I got along with, others I didn't, a few I hated) and seeing how successful they are, or how much they've changed, it's hard to not feel like a tool.
After all, I still live here in town. Actually, I live 2 blocks from where I grew up. I don't have any nifty careers to report. In fact, I don't work at all. I've got that distinct combo of letters attached to me that seems to others like an infectious disease- SAHM. I married a man who went to the rival high school. We met at a gas station. Nothing wildly fascinating to report there. We have 2 sons, and they currently attend the elementary school that I went to long ago. Being the low-brow, low-income shmucks we are, of course I'm hoping for more kids. We live a very simple life.
So last night, I went to bed feeling out of sorts. The boys were at my ILs for the weekend, and Mr. P. and I had a quiet night at home. Typically, I would add that kinda night is just how I like it. But today? Today I wonder how much is lacking in me.
Anyway, I've never been the sort to believe in things like prophetic dreams or the like, but I do think God talks to us whenever He can. If that happens to be our dreams (because we're too worked up and boneheaded during our waking hours to hear Him), so be it. Last night, God gave me a lesson in contentment.
We've all seen Back to the Future, right? Any geek will tell you, time travel is dangerous stuff. Change the past and you risk changing the present. But would you really want to change things? Seriously. Think about that for a sec. And remember the phrase, "The grass is always greener on the other side."
I dreamt last night that both Mr. P. and I had a chance to go back to our late high school days, and get a do-over. And not just like in a sci-fi book. We both knew and remembered each other, the life we shared, our kids, everything. Powerful stuff, let me tell you. Next thing I knew, there I was, in my old high school. Disturbing to say the least. All the people I had been grousing about, right there all over again. And yet, so much was missing. I was 15 again, but my heart ached for my husband. When could I go back home to our kids? What about all the things we needed to get done in the next few days? And then it hit me. Maybe Mr. P. wasn't feeling the same longing I was. Maybe he was deciding to take a different path.
Sitting through high school classes in a dream world. Meh. I never liked it the first time through in real life. Then lunch came. I tried to talk to my friends about what was going on. They asked if I needed to go to the nurses office and lay down for awhile. After classes were over, heading out to the bus, I stepped out instead to bright light.
And then I woke up.
Thank God.
When the Lord wants your attention, He'll get it, make no mistake about that.
While I was downstairs making my coffee and toast, I had time to enjoy the silence of the morning. Thinking about that wildly disturbing dream, I realized that although my life may not be what anyone around us wanted for us, it's all I could hope for. My kids are here and healthy. My husband and I have a great marriage. Yes, we may have a simple life, but it's more than enough for us. God gave us to each other, and gave this life to us for His purposes and for our blessing. While I may from time to time feel inferior in comparison to my contemporaries, I can rest in the knowledge that God doesn't look at us as "less than". He chose to give us so much "more than" either Mr. P. or I ever dreamed.
Take that, complex!

Til next squeak,

Awardage...I haz it.

naejeirual over at Thinkin' gave me an award! (2 actually, but I'm taking 'em one at a time.) Go me!

I met Laurie some time back on christianmom.com (keep reminding myself to get back over there and somehow I always forget) and she's one of those awesomely encouraging people who you just know is never going to look down on you.

With this wondrous distinction come ponderous inquisitions. Mmmm fun.

Do you have any friends from childhood?
Hmmmm. Not so much from childhood, but from my teenage years, yes. Just ran into her at the grocery store last night. IRL, I'm mostly a loner, and the rare friend I do have, I treasure.

What do you value about your friends?
I love how my friends challenge me. Not one of us is exactly like the other. In fact, the people I hold dear are all so vastly different in so many ways that it has really opened my views on pretty much everything.

Are they your sounding board? Probably more than they care to be.

What activities do you like to share together? Ummm. Hmmm. Well. Since the majority of my friends are online, I'd say chatting online. Doh. I just showed my dorkitude.

I'm going to pass this award on to Meri! I met her over at CMF last year, and re-met earlier this year. She never fails to crack me up and inspire me. Oh, and I got her on the Keurig bandwagon.

Til next squeak,

What did I get myself into?

Well, today's the day. I'm leaving in about an hour for my surgery. While I'm excited at the prospect of not living in pain anymore, I'm nervous about the recovery. I've never been the type to rely on others for help in my personal care, and unfortunately, these next few days will leave me no choice.
I'm also wondering now just what have I gotten myself into. Those ol' demons of self-doubt are raging like you wouldn't believe. I didn't realize just how much of my life I'd put on hold because of my paw. And now? Once I'm healed, I'll have no more ready made excuses.
Ruh-roh.
So, all that to say that these next 2 weeks should be interesting. Well, interesting in that I'll be learning more about myself, and what I'm capable of. Am I capable of letting my loved ones care for me as I've often cared for them? Am I capable of truly trusting God as I have longed to for awhile now? Am I ready to start this new chapter of my life?
In case you're wondering, I'm not actually nervous about the procedure itself. After years of living with these hand/wrist/arm issues, it'll be pure relief to have it done and over with. Somehow, God has given me a healthy dose of that ol' peace that surpasses understanding about all of the actual slicing and snipping. (mmmm sounds great huh?) With how swiftly this was all orchestrated, I trust that it's in His hands.
So Dear Squeakers, I'll keep you updated as often as I can. Until then, enjoy your holiday shopping, and preparing for this glorious season of love and goodwill.

Til next squeak,

Mind of God, will of man

Typically I have some smarty-pants kinda title for my posts, but not today Dear Squeaker.
Today I "overheard" an interesting conversation. (as much as one can overhear anything online)
Someone asked if a person can influence what God will do, or change the course of what He's decided. In other words, can a person move God's hand? The example cited was Matthew 15:21-28, specifically NKJV.

21 Then Jesus went out from there and departed to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And behold, a woman of Canaan came from that region and cried out to Him, saying, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is severely demon-possessed.” 23 But He answered her not a word. And His disciples came and urged Him, saying, “Send her away, for she cries out after us.” 24 But He answered and said, “I was not sent except to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 Then she came and worshiped Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” 26 But He answered and said, “It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs.” 27 And she said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” 28 Then Jesus answered and said to her, “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

The emphasis here was on verse 25. The idea that although denied, the woman worshipped anyway, believing that Jesus would indeed heal her daughter despite His previous decision not to.
Hmmm.

I'm gonna put a few other translations up (the one I use all the time is NIV) and then kinda tell you all what I think the key part is.

NIV:
21Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."
23Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."
24He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."
25The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.
26He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."
27"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."
28Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.


The Message:
21-22From there Jesus took a trip to Tyre and Sidon. They had hardly arrived when a Canaanite woman came down from the hills and pleaded, "Mercy, Master, Son of David! My daughter is cruelly afflicted by an evil spirit."
23Jesus ignored her. The disciples came and complained, "Now she's bothering us. Would you please take care of her? She's driving us crazy."
24Jesus refused, telling them, "I've got my hands full dealing with the lost sheep of Israel."
25Then the woman came back to Jesus, went to her knees, and begged. "Master, help me."
26He said, "It's not right to take bread out of children's mouths and throw it to dogs."
27She was quick: "You're right, Master, but beggar dogs do get scraps from the master's table."
28Jesus gave in. "Oh, woman, your faith is something else. What you want is what you get!" Right then her daughter became well.

NASB:
21Jesus went away from there, and withdrew into the district of Tyre and Sidon.
22And a Canaanite woman from that region came out and began to cry out, saying, "Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed."
23But He did not answer her a word. And His disciples came and implored Him, saying, "Send her away, because she keeps shouting at us."
24But He answered and said, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."
25But she came and began to bow down before Him, saying, "Lord, help me!"
26And He answered and said, "It is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs."
27But she said, "Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their masters' table."
28Then Jesus said to her, "O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed at once.

NLT:
21 Then Jesus left Galilee and went north to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 A Gentile woman who lived there came to him, pleading, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! For my daughter is possessed by a demon that torments her severely.”
23 But Jesus gave her no reply, not even a word. Then his disciples urged him to send her away. “Tell her to go away,” they said. “She is bothering us with all her begging.”
24 Then Jesus said to the woman, “I was sent only to help God’s lost sheep—the people of Israel.”
25 But she came and worshiped him, pleading again, “Lord, help me!”
26 Jesus responded, “It isn’t right to take food from the children and throw it to the dogs.”
27 She replied, “That’s true, Lord, but even dogs are allowed to eat the scraps that fall beneath their masters’ table.”
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.

Amplified Bible:

21And going away from there, Jesus withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon.
22And behold, a woman who was a Canaanite from that district came out and, with a [loud, troublesomely urgent] cry, begged, Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! My daughter is miserably and distressingly and cruelly possessed by a demon!
23But He did not answer her a word. And His disciples came and implored Him, saying, Send her away, for she is crying out after us.
24He answered, I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.
25But she came and, kneeling, worshiped Him and kept praying, Lord, help me!
26And He answered, It is not right (proper, becoming, or fair) to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs.
27She said, Yes, Lord, yet even the little pups (little whelps) eat the crumbs that fall from their [young] masters' table.
28Then Jesus answered her, O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you wish. And her daughter was cured from that moment.


Ok, so that's probably enough translations huh? Whew!
While each of the 6 different translations say verse 25 a little differently, they all keep verse 23 essentially the same and I think that's where we need to look.
Jesus never actually said "No.". Technically, He didn't say anything to her at first.
I think there's really 2 questions here, and they are 2 that people tend to lump together. Can you make God change His mind and can you make Him act in a different fashion than He originally did towards you?
Hmmm.
I don't personally think we can make God change His mind. I think He has planned things much the way we do. Plan A and Plan B. Which plan He chooses depends upon our actions and choices. Sometimes, that choice might be prayer or worship. How often do we know a loved one (such as our spouse) wants something specific from us, but we wait for them to ask? I don't know about you, but I do it a lot. I don't think it's any different with God. He knew I really didn't want to get AF while I was sick this week. He waited to act until I asked Him to help me deal with it.
(incidentally, the answer I got to that prayer was not what I thought it'd be and that there is another great post too...well, not about AF but about being careful whatcha pray for...DOH)
Maybe sometimes God chooses not to answer, to have us wait, and we mistake the silence for a "No". Maybe sometimes He really does say "No" and after much prayer, the change we feel is the God-given ability to accept His answer. Maybe He's just waiting to hear from us, and maybe sometimes He's got a lesson for us in the waiting.
There's a lot we'll never clearly know about the mind of God and the will of man this side of Heaven. Those 2 concepts have been at odds since the Garden. And that's ok. It has to be. Because if you spend your time railing against it all you'll never fully enjoy the real beauty of God. That He really is waiting to hear from us every day. Our prayers, our praises, our tears, our joys. He wants it all. He can't complete His plans without it.

Til next squeak,

The bestest times

Happy Halloween, Squeakers!!

I'm greatly looking forward to trick-or-treating later this evening with my friends and family. For those of you that celebrate Halloween, I hope you have a safe and enjoyable night.

---

For me, this time of year (Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) is the bestest time. I get so excited for my kids, and the new experiences they'll have. Heck, I get excited for myself!
I don't know about Mr. P., but I can't help but remember the year they were gone from our care. We missed out on so much of the holidays that year. I think that's why I find myself praising Him for even the smallest things during this season. A kid who's cranked up on sugar may not be the best thing to deal with, but Lord, thank You for letting me have them back that I might load 'em on Snickers bars one night a year. Sweet potatoes that didn't turn out perfect? A turkey that didn't quite have as much leftovers as we would have liked? Well, thank You Lord for that meal filled with my children's laughter. I sorely missed 'em that year they were in Vermont instead. Can't get the tree lights blinking right? Wrapping gifts at 2am Christmas Eve in a haze of exhaustion? Thank You Lord for letting us all be under 1 roof this year.
It's amazing how much your life can change after you've been pulled from the pit. Even the simplest things (Mr. P. remember the year the kids brought the snowball fight indoors on Thanksgiving? ) make you realize all at once just how much you've lost and how far you've come.
I just praise the Lord that He brought us through those worst of times so that we can truly enjoy these very bestest ones.

Til next squeak,

I just don't get it anymore.

Mr. P. and I have been having on-going conversations about people-in-general, Christians-specifically, and hypocrisy. Frankly, I'm all confuseded now.
If you change your mind on something, you're a hypocrite. If you tell someone else to do/think something you don't or haven't previously, you're a hypocrite. And of course, Christians are hypocrites more than the general population. (hope your hearing my sarcasm) Oh, and being a hypocrite is the worst thing one could end up being.
Have I got all the bases covered there?
How's a person supposed to feel about hypocrisy? And is a Christian supposed to ignore feeling like a hypocrite and chalk it up to spiritual growth? Or does that depend on what's making the Christian in question (say that 10x fast) feel like a hypocrite?
This just makes my head hurt.

Til next squeak,

In the moment

Have you ever heard the phrase, "live for today"? What do you first think of when you hear it? I know that because of my personal background, living most of my life as an unbeliever, I tend to think of people who're out doing crazy stuff. Ya know, druggin', drinkin', skydivin'. Well, definitely the first 2 at least.
So now that I'm a Christian, how does my worldview change when I hear that phrase?

This morning, I was listening to Natalie Grant's song Live For Today. Funky huh, how these things work out?
Here's the lyrics:

Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

Chorus:I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

Good song huh? Look at what I've bolded. I think as Christians, maybe we should live in the moment a little more. I tend to think Christ did. He traveled all over the place, grabbed all kinds of people by the heartstrings, and really, who else changed this world like no other?
Think about what your day throws at you. I know mine can get beyond crazy. If we just take those moments to count the blessings, which I think is a big part of living for today, maybe we'll just find that God will douse us with an extra measure of grace to get through the day.
Think about it for a sec. What the nuttiest thing that happens where you can find a blessing? How about running out of toilet paper, "after the fact"? Yeah, you guys all know what I'm talkin' about. What if you looked at it as a few moments to praise Him for all those little blessings, totally uninterrupted, rather than a huge panicky inconvenience? Strange, yes, but worth it. If you look, you can find all kinds of moments like that in your day.
And hey, if your not a believer, still take that moment on the pot to contemplate your day! Because you never know what tomorrow may bring. It just may be that today is your last day as an unbeliever. Tomorrow might very well be the day that the one thing, one person, one event that'll change your mind will happen. And trust me, you'll never be the same again.
So let's take today and just live. You never know what may happen in the moment.

Til next squeak,

Many and few

I've started and stopped this post more times than I can count in the last week. And I've even changed the title a few times as well. There's been so much on my mind lately, and so few words to express it all.
We as a family have come to a place of turmoil. Well, pick your "T" word, really. Trial, testing, turmoil, trouble. They all spell out the same thing. We're kinda S.O.L.
You see, Mr. P. recently lost his job. And it's not the easiest thing in the world to find a new one after you've been fired.
That said, I've been thinking lately about how I've always heard people of the Christian persuasion say in times such as this that they do not understand how people without Christ can survive. That their faith, and specifically God, carries them through with peace. Honestly, I've never understood that remark. I've spent only the last 2 and a half years of my life as a Christian, and I feel a lot of the time that I can relate more to the unbeliever than to "my own people". Oftentimes when I would hear such a comment, I would think to myself, "Well, you just do. It's not like there's much choice. You've gotta get by."
In the last 2 weeks though, I haven't felt the panic that typically consumes me when my family goes through our "T times". Not to say that I haven't been concerned! But I haven't been the screaming, crying, teeth-gnashing, wailing beast that I normally turn into. I think I'm beginning to get this whole "peace that surpasses understanding" thing.
So that was what I was thinking at church last Wednesday night.
Last week was something special, fo' sho. We had the Roar Tour come through. Now admittedly, I was seriously biased toward loving this from the start. Charles Ciepiel was our church's worship leader, and boy, I miss his flair on Sundays. Mr. P., my mother, my aunt, and the boys were all able to come. Ooh I just knew this was gonna be great! Ah if I only knew just how great!
Aside from all the other things I've been wanting to talk about that I experienced that night, one thing is very mind blowing. Well, at least to me. I'm a very pragmatic sort. When I hear people talking of their personal spiritual revelations, I tend to think that more often than not, they are flights of fancy that the speaker in question wishes were true. I know, I know. One of my less endearing qualities, but nonetheless, it's true.
During one of the songs, I was overwhelmed with, dare I say, a compulsion to sit and open up the Bible in front of me. I had left my own copy at home, and when it comes to God's Word, I'm pretty inept at shuffling through any version but mine. Anyway, I didn't know what I was looking for, or even if I was looking for something specific. But, when I got the Bible out of the pew, here's what it opened up to in my hands.

James 1 (emphasis my own)

1James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.
Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
9The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. 10But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. 11For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Listening and Doing
19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

A lot of this chapter spoke to me about so much going on in my life lately. Not just in our family, but in my personal and spiritual life as well. Now how's that for a kick in the pants?
Despite the chastisement (at least that's what I'm getting out of it ) in parts of this chapter, what really stuck out at me was "Consider it pure joy". I feel like God is about to do something with us, and I'm just hoping we're not too boneheaded to miss it. There's still so many things on my mind, and still so few words to explain it all, but at least this one thing I know. I will always consider it pure joy, whatever comes my way, because the Lord my God is with me.

Til next squeak,

More than it seems

It's not often I blog about any subject that can remain entirely serious, but today I feel something comin' on. Perhaps I should go check my temperature?

---

In the course of the last 2 years, I've read many articles on the subject of hospitality. Quite a few of them found at LAF. (see sidebar link) While interesting and yes, at times inspiring, these calls to Christian feminine hospitality left a bad taste in my mouth. The feeling that hospitality must be practiced as an "all or nothing" proposition is one that comes up frequently if you look around enough, especially on women's message boards.
When I hear "hospitality" all I can think of is a group of ladies wearing itchy lace dresses, crowded into a stuffy old parlor room, and sipping hot tea when it's around 85 degrees out. Mmmm southern hospitality. What occurred to me yesterday is that hospitality (and I'm thinking it's time to go Google a darn thesaurus) can be very different from that image.
Some of you know that I live in the ghetto. Say it with me now. Ghet-to. Very good. Now if you've never experienced the ghetto, I recommend a trip to your local housing authority. They can direct you to your nearest ghetto and perhaps give you a quick tour. When you live in a ghetto like I do, you're probably not inclined to entertaining, like I'm not. But here's the thing. God often blesses us when we take the time to step out of our comfy little niches and do something to bless others. Not saying it's easy! But it can be well worth it.
Just a few weeks ago, Mr. P. and I had a few friends over for dinner. Most couples our age probably do this often, but we do this...ah...never. The great thing about that night is that all of us were pretty ghetto, but like I always tell my kids, we may not have a lot, but what we do have we can share. Certainly, we were blessed that night with companionship beyond measure.
Earlier this week, my aunt stopped by for a spell after her doctor's appointment but before she went home. Aunt D was quite sick with allergy-related bronchitis, and although she's typically the type to motor through everything, we tricked her into relaxing a bit. Coffee, kids and a gift of handmade soaps (no I didn't make 'em) worked like a charm. I didn't realize how much opening our home meant until she called a few days later let me know she appreciated having a place to recoup her energy before heading home.
And then yesterday, I gave a neighbor a cup of creamer for her coffee and some cookies for her son. It was our kids' first day of school and us mamas need that morning cuppa!
It's funny to me how each of these moments, small and large, blessed my heart while blessing someone else. And isn't that the point of being "hospitable"? Even in the ghetto, you can open your home and your life to friends, family and even those you hardly know. I've read that when it comes to Christian hospitality, the idea is sharing Christ's love along with your home and your time. So even if it's as humble as a plastic tumbler of half and half, it's more than it seems.

Til next squeak,

The blessing of broke

We're dirt poor these next 2 weeks. Just a few years ago, this was pretty normal for us. Now? Oy. It's been difficult to come to terms with the state of our bank account, and the moths flying out of my wallet. OK so there's not really moths flying out of my wallet, actually I don't carry a wallet, but the imagery is there, yes?
On average, I spend $100 a week on groceries for this family, and that's not including our once-a-month trip to the butcher. So when we realized that not only would we have to bum some money off our relatives (thanks again, Mom and Di!), but that we were looking at a significantly smaller grocery budget, well, there was only one thing to do...
My first stop yesterday was Discount Food Outlet. I haven't shopped there in at least 4 years. And you know what? God gave me one shocker of a blessing in the midst of my discontent. While I was wandering the soda aisle, waiting for Mom to catch up, a memory of shopping there in my early years with Mr. P. just hit me like a ton of bricks. All the emotions of what it was like for us back then, with our boys being so small and still in diapers, our marriage still young and untainted by some of our later struggles, and just the raw love I had for the 3 of them flooded over me. Feeling quite foolish, I wiped my eyes as best I could, and continued on to the next aisle. I prayed silently, "Lord, what else do You have in store for me today, if You would have be brought to tears by a simple trip to DFO?"
After we left there, it was on to Aldi's. Again, another place I haven't set foot in or haven't even thought of in years. As I was picking out some of the boys' snack items and some canned gods, God decided it was time for another emotional bomb. Although I certainly didn't *feel* like I was better than anyone else, He showed me quite clearly that I carried that pride in my heart. That since Mr. P.'s promotion and all the stability it brought, I've slowly nurtured a spirit of pride, not in my husband, but in the material things we had begun to accumulate.

Yesterday I learned that there can be blessing in being knocked down a peg or two. Sometimes we need it. I know I can always count on the Lord to do so in a way that will leave me knowing what must be done and why, but also knowing that His love for me never changes. No matter how much I screw it up, or how hard I fall off that pedestal I've climbed, He's there to guide me back to where I need to be. And praise God for that!


Til next squeak,

A town without pity...

Or something like that. For some reason, my town is being blogged about. Yeah, weird stuff. And for some other strange reason, I'm tickled pink that a comment of mine actually got published! I'm starting to think I have too much free time on my hands these days. I guess it could be worse. I could be telling you guys all about the circus that was Mr. P.'s job up until a few days ago.
Hmmmm, maybe...

Til next squeak,

Choosing Right in a Fallen World

Normally when I blog, the title comes to me first. Typically, when I'm in the shower, after I've hollered at Smokey. (darn those inanimate objects!) By the time I've rinsed out the conditioner, most of the body of the post has formed in my mind, and I'm ready to blog.
Today though, I couldn't come up with my usual clever title. I have something on my mind I want to write about, but no title. Hmmm. It feels oh-so-strange to me, but here I am.
Because I'm a mother, I feel the burden of making the right choices, the *moral* choices. After all, little eyes are watching. However, most of the people around us don't bother to sense this burden, and my kidlets are not oblivious to this. And you know what? It's hard to come up with good answers to their questioning eyes sometimes. Lord knows I'm not prepared to have all the answers, or even a satisfactory one most times.
Case in point: Our building manager is constantly questioning why we have dirty laundry around most of the time when "everyone else doesn't". Uh, I can tell you why! We don't have a washer and dryer hidden in our unit like the majority of the people here. We've chosen not to break our lease. Now, trust me, it's not as though I'm coming from a place where I'm on a pedestal over this. It's more like I know we'd be the ones to get caught. Just like we were the ones who had to get rid of our cats when plenty of people here have cats or dogs.
Is it fair? Not especially. Is it life? Bet your bottom dollar. The real question is how do I explain to my children that not getting caught doesn't make a thing right, particularly when if I thought I could get away with it, I'd do it in a heartbeat?
Is it still "right" when you comply out of fear? Is it "right" when you comply out of pride? And is that what the Lord would have us do?
Ah, there's the rub for me. What would God want of me? I struggle with justifying my actions. I know God wants me to keep a clean house. I am, after all, a house wife. On the other hand, it would be just that much easier if I had that portable, yet lease-breaking, dishwasher. (washing dishes is the absolute bane of my existence!) So, God would want me to have that dishwasher, right? Right??
Yeah. Still waiting to hear from Him on that one. I think that falls under the category of "don't hold your breath honey". ;P
So, I'm still struggling with knowing how to choose "right" in our fallen world. I think most of us will at some point in our lives. It may be something as simple as washing a few dishes, or something major, like remaining faithful to your spouse. Who knows what things God will call us to "shine like stars in the universe" on? Hopefully, we won't let Him down when that time comes.

Til next squeak,