Heart and soul.

A week and a half ago, our lives changed forever. My husband, my heart and soul, was hospitalized for 4 days. He was diagnosed tentatively with cardiomyopathy, and congestive heart failure. Prayerfully, we will find out more when he has an angiogram which will be scheduled at his cardiologist appointment later this month.
While I believe with everything in me that God only gives what we can handle, and that He has a plan far greater than our own, I admit I am having an incredibly difficult time facing this. I'm terrified, as is Mr. P. I'm angry, not only at myself, but at God. These last 7 years have been trying for us, both as a couple and as a family. God must think we are super strong people. Personally, I have my doubts.
It's hard to face the future, knowing nothing more about my husband's diagnosis other than it is not reversible, and that it will shorten his life span. I've always been the kind of person who needs to know, even if only vaguely, what the future brings. Not my best quality, to be sure. The thought of losing Mr. P. really spikes fear into my heart. I know he is probably sick of me constantly asking him if he's ok, and telling him how much I love him. I heard this song on the radio while running errands with the kids today. I was unable to curb the urge to call home and tell Mr. P. just that. Just to make sure he knows not only does he have my heart, but that he is my heart.
I think of the 2 friends I have who are widows, and how I've admired them so much for their strength. Staring into that possible future makes me wonder if it came to that, would I be as strong as them? Could I hold it together for our kids? And would I ever be able to forgive God? I just don't know. Fear is speaking now, even though I know fear is not of God.
This all seems so much to bear, especially for a little family who has already endured so much. So many of our friends and family have said if they can do anything for us, we need only to ask. I wish I could just ask, and have them take all of this away. I wish I could just ask, and have them make everything magically better. I know it doesn't work that way, but oh how I wish it did. I worry about what else God feels like dumping on us, what more He thinks we can handle.
My mind cannot think of an eloquent way to close this post out. It's late, and my fear and sadness are overwhelming tonight. If you think of us, please pray. Maybe God will hear you more than He hears me right now.

Til next squeak,

Because of Him

So, if you'll glance up at my profile picture, you'll see that I'm fat. That's fat with a "f" not a "ph". There's a difference you know! (a cookie if you get that reference!)
In the last 2 years, I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. Back in February, we had a change of insurance, which also meant a change of doctors. Never my favorite thing. I put it off for months, even after my hbp and migraine medications ran out. 2 weeks ago, I got Mr. P. and I in to see a new doctor.
I was fully prepared to hear about the weight issue. Frankly, I cannot go anywhere medically related without it coming up, even when it's really not pertinent. However, I was not prepared for my blood pressure to have normalized! Let me tell you, that's a miracle straight from God right there!
Both Mr. P. and I had a round of bloodwork done. The results were not exactly great for either of us. My cholesterol was 204. They want it under 200. Egads. I'm honestly embarrassed by it. Prior to this year, I've always tried to be careful about what I eat, if not necessarily how much I eat. Other than that though, my workup was pretty good.
Mr. P. has to go for further tests. For reasons we do not yet know, his liver isn't functioning as it should. He is also pre-diabetic.
I think for us both, this is a wake up call. And personally, I think God is trying to tell us something. If our bodies are His temple, well, He's probably tired of such sub par environments.
Mr. P. and I have both decided to try to make the changes we need to in order to get our own health straightened out, and to be a good example for our children. Perhaps this is why we have yet to conceive. Maybe we needed to work out more important things first.
For those of you reading this and feel so led, please pray for us as we try to live a healthy life style. This is all new territory for us. A friend recently told me that she didn't have true success in changing her health habits until she relied on God. I'm praying God will give us the strength as well.

Til next squeak,

Final results

I'm weird and just thought I'd share how my carpal tunnel surgery turned out in the end.

Here's a pic from yesterday, 36 days post-op:

All healed, and fully functional. Hmmm. That sounds like something that Bobbit fella would've said, huh? Doh.

Til next squeak,

On the 6th day...

of post-op, my stitches sent to me...


a nasty lil pic to share with you all.



Til next squeak,

Paw praises and updates!

Well, all went well. Beyond anyone's expectations! I'm thanking God for being with me today, and providing for the ideal (dare I say...perfect?) surgical experience. Actually, if I weren't so stoned on percs right now, I'd be dancing with joy.
Aside from feeling like I have a normal human hand again, the very best part was being treated delightfully human. Until you've had the horrible experience of being treated like nothing more than monstrous numbers on a scale, it's hard to imagine just how grateful I am to my medical team at UCONN right now. I somehow doubt they often get patients weeping with gratitude as soon as they wake up.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, Dear Squeakers. Keep 'em coming as this first week post-op will prove to be challenging.

Til next squeak,

What did I get myself into?

Well, today's the day. I'm leaving in about an hour for my surgery. While I'm excited at the prospect of not living in pain anymore, I'm nervous about the recovery. I've never been the type to rely on others for help in my personal care, and unfortunately, these next few days will leave me no choice.
I'm also wondering now just what have I gotten myself into. Those ol' demons of self-doubt are raging like you wouldn't believe. I didn't realize just how much of my life I'd put on hold because of my paw. And now? Once I'm healed, I'll have no more ready made excuses.
Ruh-roh.
So, all that to say that these next 2 weeks should be interesting. Well, interesting in that I'll be learning more about myself, and what I'm capable of. Am I capable of letting my loved ones care for me as I've often cared for them? Am I capable of truly trusting God as I have longed to for awhile now? Am I ready to start this new chapter of my life?
In case you're wondering, I'm not actually nervous about the procedure itself. After years of living with these hand/wrist/arm issues, it'll be pure relief to have it done and over with. Somehow, God has given me a healthy dose of that ol' peace that surpasses understanding about all of the actual slicing and snipping. (mmmm sounds great huh?) With how swiftly this was all orchestrated, I trust that it's in His hands.
So Dear Squeakers, I'll keep you updated as often as I can. Until then, enjoy your holiday shopping, and preparing for this glorious season of love and goodwill.

Til next squeak,

Paw...your days are numbered!

Mwuhahahahaha! Dear Right Paw, soon you will be sliced open and violently rearranged!
Mwuhahahahaha!

In case you can't tell, I'm formally announcing my surgery date!
I'm so excited to finally be getting this stinkin' carpal tunnel syndrome taken care of!
I had my orthopedic appointment on this past Wednesday, and the doc greatly surprised me by getting me in for the surgery ASAP. Like Monday kinda ASAP.
So, my Dear Squeakers, after noon on Monday, I'll be out of commission for a bit until Doc Rodner gives me clearance to type again. By the time I'm back, I'm sure we'll have much to talk about.

Til next squeak,

Well that just burst my bubble

Have I mentioned how much I hate politics, and all things associated with politics? Like, say, political agendas?
I'm pro-choice. I don't hide and I don't apologize for it. Yes, I'm a Christian. I don't hide and I don't apologize for it. Guess what? It's possible to be both, despite what you may think.
However, getting into a debate over all this BS will kill any joy you may have. Let me tell you, sistah.
Just yesterday, I was thinking about how in a few days time, I'll be going in for my orthopedic appointment for this carpal tunnel garbage. Then we'll know what's going to happen, if I'm having surgery, and when. Yay! But even better than the prospect of no more paw pain was the joy of looking forward to my future with Mr. P.
You see, he finally gave me the go-ahead for us to try to conceive our 3rd child as soon as I've recovered from the surgery. That's something I've been wanting and dreaming about for awhile now. I was thisclose to letting myself browse around for baby items, to dream of baby names, and to plan how to parent our newest sweet little one.
But, after I just had to stick my nose into a conversation about ending abortion (please hear my sarcasm there), now I'm stuck feeling like the world's biggest pile of troll poo.
I don't know if we'll have any more kids. That's not really in my hands to decide. Frankly, we're not the kind of people who should be having kids, and I know that. Most days, I don't let it bug me. I let my heart speak for me, not my logical mind. But then there's days like today when I know that if we did conceive, we'd probably be best off aborting. And if we do conceive, I'm sure we'll hear all about what a mistake we've made. Some days, I'm not sure if I want to go through that again. Other days, I think about how I have yet to have a truly joyful pregnancy, and maybe this time it could be different. After all, we are older now, and married. But then again, not much else has changed.
~sigh~
If you don't struggle with these sorts of thoughts and emotional battles, be grateful. It's not a great place to be. It'll really burst your bubble.

Til next squeak,

2 hour Frankenstein party

At least that's what I'm calling my EMG/nerve conduction study that was done yesterday. The urge to shout "It's ALI-I-I-I-I-I-I-IVE!!" was great, especially when those godforsaken electrified needles were shoved in my neck.
Seriously, although the experience was not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still pretty darn high on my personal not-cool-o-meter. Like a 9.5. Easily.
I had gone in to test for a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area. Good times, good times. For about 3 weeks, my right arm has been bugging me. Ok, so I've wanted to gnaw it off in the night. It's been worse than I care to admit. Pain, numbness, and all that jazz. More than that though, I've hated how it's interfered with my life. In the last 2 months, I've gotten to be fairly active. Just a glance at my weight loss ticker will tell you that. I've been able to do more around the house, be more of a mother to my kids, and feel more like the wife I want to be to Mr. P. Until this nerve thing , that is.
When I went in, I was thinking that we'd figure out just where this stinkin' nerve got pinched so I could let my physical therapist know. (I start today!) Then, in a matter of a few days or weeks at most, I'd be back to normal, getting more active every day. That got shit all over, in plain words.
The tests showed I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome, and the doctor has recommended surgery. Somehow I feel like a fool. How does someone who doesn't do anything get this?! I kept asking him if it was because of my weight. (yes I'm actually clinging to the hope that if I just lose enough weight, I'll get my arm back...dumb huh?) Unfortunately, that's likely not the case. He said it looks like this all started about 10 years ago or more.
Can you tell I'm not handling this well? I handled my cancer diagnosis years ago better than this! I know in my head that I'm being an ass, but I can't help it. I feel like a part of me has been stolen away. For about 3 years, I've been telling my doc that my arm and neck have been hurting...badly. He always said it was in my head, or better yet, in my fat. The one time I pressed the issue about my body pain, I was sent to the rheumatology department at UCONN. Guess what they said? Yup, in my head. So, I accepted it. It took about a year, but I did. The days when I couldn't even lift my blankie over my head because of the pain and weakness, I told myself to power through it. After all, it was just in my head. The days I couldn't do any housework because of the pain, I told myself it was because I'm a horrible wife and mother, even a rotten Christian. And now? Now I know it's because my arm was deteriorating, and I never knew it.
I can't help but think of my maternal grandmother. She died when my mom was 6. She had had gall stones that went undiagnosed til it was too late. They kept telling her it was in her head. I really just feel for her in a new way now. At least for me, it's just my quality of life and not my actual life that was put in danger. So much can be lost when doctors won't take patients seriously.
Anyway, I'm off my soapbox now. I'm still in shock about all this, and trying to process it. I don't think I'll ever really understand how I got to this point, but I'll leave that for God to know. Right now, all I can do is try to make an informed decision about what to do from here. I know I'm being a baby. And a drama queen. If you guys would just pray for me? Help me get a grip? Heck, send me a cyber smack upside the head!
Oh, and if you ever have 2 hours of free time, I recommend a Frankenstein party. Maybe your doc will have his fly unzipped the whole time like mine did. At least that made it fairly amusing.

Til next squeak,

Public Service Announcement

Crest for Kids is not so great for hemorrhoids, actually. And when you've got a ton of little white tubes of creams sitting on your bathroom sink, it's time to organize. And if you are yelling at your kids while squirting and applying any of said creams, it's best to either stop yelling at the kids, or stop squirting and applying. You know why? Because something's gotta give. And apparently today, it's my now bubble-minty fresh bottom.
That is all.


Til next squeak,

Fat girl on a diet

Well, I'm not really on a diet. But I did join a gym last month. And let me tell you, there's nothing funnier than a 330 pound woman on a treadmill. Hmmm. Well, maybe these guys are funnier on a treadmill...


Til next squeak,

Coconut Oil! Not just for the bedroom anymore!

If there's 2 words that I can't help but giggle at these days, it's coconut oil. (don't ask...long story) Well, those 2 and "Iz Caturday", but I'm weird.
Over Capt Crunch Berries cereal with the kiddos this morning, I was zoning out. I glanced at the clock, the wall, the microwave, the dancing pink elephants...oh wait, that was something else. Anyway, upon glancing at the box, I noticed that coconut oil was the 5th ingredient down.
Well whaddaya know?
Coconut oil...not just for the bedroom anymore!

Til next squeak,

"And I don't even like sitting on a cold toilet!"

Ever have a yeast infection? That fiery, itchy, nasty, gotta-walk-funny-for-days kinda feeling only us women know of? Yeah that one.
Well, I always swore by those 20 some-odd dollar Monistat 1 kits. A little football shaped "insert", a tube of anti itch cream, and I was good to go. Until this week at least.
After shelling out for the electric bill (damn you CL&P!!) Mr. P.'s hard earned dough was pretty much gone this week. While "walking funny" at the grocery store, I remembered a website I'd read a few months back. They'd suggested that yogurt would be good for the battle of the yeast. "Duh", I thought. I've been eating yogurt when I've been "walking funny" for years now. Yeah, that's so not what they were talking about. They meant you were to take plain, unsweetened yogurt and...apply. Or preferably...insert.
Errmmm, I don't even like sitting on a cold toilet!!
But, one can only walk like an injured penguin for so long before taking action. So, I bought the yogurt.
Late last night, I took the plunge. The website had suggested using the applicators of some freshly shucked tampons for yogurt insertion. Simply fill and freeze. Wait, freeze?!?! Oh. Yipes.
After much mess, I managed to create a few little yogurt-sicles. Time to bombard the yeast.
I will say that although horribly cold at first, compared to the burn of the infection, it was pretty heavenly. And today, I am actually feeling much better.
So, if you are ever too strapped for cash, or too concerned about the chemicals used in those products, I can safely say yogurt is a good alternative.
Just be prepared to sit on something warm afterwards.

Til next squeak,

My new addiction

OK so I do have an addiction to start with, however this is a new one. (notice the shiny new title?)
My original addiction, that started the search for this new one, is lip balm. Yup, lip balm. Ever since I was about 14, I've been literally addicted to lip balm. Previously, my balm of choice was Bonne Bell LipSmackers. If I'm not applying this stuff regularly, I get a tad twitchy.
"Whoa Mrs. P., whatever brought *this* on?", you ask.
"Ah, faithful reader, sit right back and I'll tell a tale..."
I think most girls of my generation back then read Seventeen magazine. I see you're familiar with the title? They did an article about strange teenage addictions, once upon a time. Being the easily suggestible child I was (wait that's changed how?), I read in fascination about a girl's struggles to overcome chapstick addiction. Fascination changed to horror in the following days as I realized I too was needed "the stick" more and more.
Anywho, I've come to terms with my addiction. After all, it may be odd, but it's really not hurting anyone. Well, maybe Mr. P.'s wallet every few weeks but he's used to it. ;P
MonkeyMan has been learning in school about the 3 R's (and no, it's not the ones you and I learned.)- reduce, reuse, recycle. Now I ask, when a supercute 7 year old pleads with you to "do our part" in saving the planet, how do you say no? If you happen to be said cutie's mom, well, you don't. As I've been looking into healthier living choices for our family anyway, I thought "Why not look into more natural or sustainable options for my personal care items?" Frankly, I'll be the first to admit that my stuff is what we spend the most on here. I'm greatly spoiled. So I listened in a little more carefully to the "crunchier" topics on my various moms message boards (check out the link list "Feelin' the love") and found a few ways to change my habits. At first, a bit squeamish because me and change? Well, we don't get along so much. But now? There's the addiction.
Try Hyena Cart. Self-dubbed as "a collection of earth-friendly shops", and on most of these moms boards, I noticed moms had banners in their signatures. Hmmm. I checked it out. I'm all for supporting the WAHM (work at home mom), mainly because I'd love to be one myself, however I have no skill outside of smart-ass-ery. Not terribly marketable. On Hyena Cart, I discovered 2 new addictions. (sure to find more though. Yowza!) Here they are, and I recommend them highly:




Clear Hills Honey Company
Holy smokes the lip balms!! Ah yeah!



Here's the 2 collections I bought. Mmmmmm. I really don't know what I'm lovin' more, the balm itself or those totally adorable golden bees! Seriously though, just looking at the label on my new Vanilla Honey flavored one (ooh nummerz! Pardon the lolspeak, it comes out when I'm excited) it says this:
sweet almond oil, beeswax, coca butter, vitamin E, honey, propolis, and essential oils.
Wow. Doesn't get much better than that. Now the feel of this bad boy, ooh. Glides so smooth on the lips, and just sinks into them. Not heavy at all, and tastes fabulous.
As an aside, I have a crusty old neighbor who steals my mail. When it had been a few days, and I was concerned as to the whereabouts of my precious balms, I contacted Carmela. A prompt reply from her, and she tracked my goodies! Better customer service can't bee (get it? BEE?) found!



Happy Mama Originals
Now before you go "Ewwww", think about it for a second. (disclaimer- I went "Ewww" too) If you're like me, and use a disposable pantiliner every day, right there is a bunch of garbage waste. Then there's the chemical component. Not good for our bodies, and not good for our Earth. So, I switched to reusable mama cloth liners. I'll admit I can't give up my "plugs" and go to mama cloth for my regular flow, or switch to a Diva cup or the like, but I'm loving these.




Minkee velour liners, and she included an organic lavender sachet. (not pictured, a lingerie bag for washing. turned out way too white in the flash) These lovelies are so soft on the skin, and wash up so nicely. Can't say enough about how wonderful I've felt since switching. Seriously, give 'em a try!

I'm thinking of possibly doing a little goodie basket giveaway when I reach 100 posts. Any interest? Join the addiction!

Til next squeak,

Do birds type like this?

Grrr.
I can't believe I missed the Monday Meme.
I skipped out on my nightly 'puter time last night because I was in agony. For some reason, my left hand has decided it's part bird. I'm back to the hunt-and-peck school of typing and it's making me nuts.
If you're lost by that statement, let me clarify. My hand has been clawed up for 3 days now, much like how a bird will grab whatever its perched on. It's outrageously painful, and not possible to move. Works well for scooping fish out of a stream in mid-flight though.
This has been a come and go kinda thing since Christmas eve. My doc says it's because I need to lose more weight. Hmmm. Yeah. Somehow I'm not buying that. I'm much more inclined to believe it has something to do with the fact that, oh I dunno, I broke my wrist back on Christmas eve maybe? But that's the fun of being morbidly obese. No one will listen to you and actually hear what you are saying. It must be like they are hearing the teacher from Charlie Brown, with the occasional "eat eat eat" tossed in.
~deep breath...in with the good air, out with the anger~
OK, so maybe I'm a bit jaded and bitter. Maybe living in pain for 3 years without a doc who'll take me seriously is getting to me. And maybe this hand thing is the straw that broke the camel's, ermm cow's, back.
Bah. All this self-pity is for the birds.

Til next squeak,

Toast points??

Those of you who also read Mr. P.'s blog know that we've been ill this past week or so. Passing around bronchitis and sinus infections. Mmmmm yummy. Now personally I prefer my lung butter on toast points.
Back to our regularly scheduled blogging!

Til next squeak,