When time seems short

This is a c & p from my MySpace but still relevant. All this occurred starting on February 8, 2008.

Recently I had a near death experience. OK so not quite so dramatic, but enough for me to turn my life around. Last month, I went to the ER for crushing chest pain. After a lifetime of being told by docs that I won't live to see (insert next age bracket here) I was terrified. You see, my grandmother died when my mom was the same age as my oldest son. I don't know much about my grandmother, other than how badly her loss effected my mom. She won't talk about her. She never really knew how to be a mom because of that loss. And now I in turn am learning how to be a good mom because I never really had one either. One death just trickles down the generations.
In the days leading up to my ER visit (and yes, that means I sat on my butt while having this chest pain because I was unsure if I was making a mountain out of a molehill), I had to face in my heart this fear of death. What would dying really mean to me? Here's what I learned. I begged God to let me see my sons return home from school, just to kiss them one more time. I thought about what my marriage meant to me, truly meant to me now that we have really come back from the brink of divorce. I wept for what I could see as lost years with my husband. I needed to make sure that those whom I held dear knew for a fact that I loved them, and would never doubt that if I were not there to tell them. How would my sons be raised? Would they grow knowing their mother? Would they become godly young men as I dream for them? How would Mr. P. handle being a single father? Would he mourn me or would he jump back into the dating scene? Would he weep for those lost years too?
After I had been seen and cleared, I had a startling change at home. Over the course of just a few days, I gained almost 70 lbs. Off to the doctor I went, afraid once more. What on earth could be causing all these problems? Turns out, a not-so-common reaction to a medication I was on caused edema. Yeah, I'd say! A change in meds, a "water pill" and I have lost the weight just as swiftly. I have come to the conclusion though that if I am to avoid gastric bypass surgery, I need to do something. So Mr. P. and I are changing our lives. We are going to be joining a gym. I plan on a consult with a dietician. And my goal is to get off these medications, if not to loose weight, then to buy more time. Time with my men.
Oh, and I made a promise to God. If He granted me that one last "after-school" with my kids, I would live as He asked of me, whatever the cost. I would listen for His voice. I am striving to uphold that promise. I want to live without regrets. To me, that means living for the Lord. Just how He wants that implemented remains to be seen, but I'm keeping my ears out. I don't know where that will bring us but I know I can trust in our Guide.