Falling Short

I have a tendency to compare myself to others. Not just people who are similar to me, and not just others that I aspire to be like. I'm talking about people who I have nothing in common with, and some who I barely get along with.
It's a bad habit, I know.
I've never been able to compare myself to myself. Very rare is the moment when I can look back at my life and say, "Oh hey, you've come far.", without adding in some kind of knock at myself for not being like so-and-so, or what's-her-face.
The feeling of constantly falling short is one I have lived with my whole life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be to live without it. I really gotta give some props to Mr. P. for putting up with this aspect of my personality for so long. If it annoys me at times, it's really gotta get on his nerves.
I have gotten the impression from people over the years that some think I am this way because I am looking for attention, or an ego stroking. Hmmm. Kinda hard to stroke something that's not there. (Mr. P., no comments about stroking I swear I'll delete 'em!!)
After awhile, it gets to the point where I remove myself from all contact with others. I have had people tell me that as a Christian, I absolutely should never isolate myself from the Body of Christ (not that I'm around other Christians much as it is), but I find that the only time I am truly concentrating on the Lord is when I am away from everyone else and all the "politics" of faith.
All that to say that when I feel low like this I find it even harder to turn to others, but especially harder to turn to Christ. I do not know why that is, but that's how I am. Mr. P. could probably give more insight on this. He is almost always the first to point out that I am withdrawing from him, and then the world in general. That's what it's felt like lately. The only ones I truly want to connect with are my husband, my kids, and my Savior. Everyone else can bugger off. Not the nicest attitude for someone proclaiming Christ I know, but I think more people feel this way, at least some of the time, than they care to admit. It would certainly explain all the fighting one sees amongst Christians.
One thing I notice in myself more often when I feel "flattened" is that I am more sensitive to the fact that outside of a few online interactions, I have no friends. I really do not know how to make friends either, which is probably strange for someone in their late twenties to say, but it's true. I feel as awkward as a kindergartner on the first day of school when it comes to making conversation. And nothing will make you feel like you come up short like feeling like a 5 year old.
So now it's late and until Mr. P. comes home from Da Lounge, I'm stuck here with my thoughts.
Time to go find a distraction.

Til next squeak,