Still running for the cheese (or why this blog still exists)

As my regular readers can tell, this has been a dry year for me. Just look at the number of posts this year vs. 2008! Awhile back, I had considered either shutting down the Maze, or starting a new blog that would more accurately reflect where I am in life now. Truth be told, sometimes I come here, look around, and feel distinctly hypocrytical about the things I want to write. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ever be in that kind of place.
As the time in between posts has grown longer, I came to realize something. Without the past years' material, where I am now makes very little sense. What good is the destination without the journey? As Christians, so much of the best stuff that happens to us is in the times God is molding us to His image. To throw away the evidence of that process would somehow cheapen the result, I think.
So, here we are, dear friends. I think my little mousie may just have rounded a corner finally. Some things will change around here to reflect the changes in my heart. And you know what? That's ok. As much as I typically rage against anything changed in my life, I'm learning to accept the God-given ones. My prayer is that some of you may be encouraged by what you read here. Hey, you may even be challenged. And of course, if you know me, then you know you always stand a good chance of being offended too. Not intentionally, to be sure! Just know that what you find as you wander this Maze with me may surprise you as much as it does me.

All that to say this:

Welcome to

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Lost and found

So I was asked about my conversion to Christianity and thought I'd put it up here.

I was raised atheist. I think that even if I had been raised in some kind of faith, I would have turned my back on it anyway because of my childhood. Anywho, my father really grilled it into me that there was no god. I never thought to question that.
When I was a freshman in high school, I met several born-again Christians in my classes. I had pretty much never heard of Jesus, except in vulgarity. After a few months of listening in to their heated debates with a classmate, I asked what they were talking about. Soon I was invited to attend youth group with them. I freely admit that I latched onto the idea of any kind of love in my life. Being pretty much a neglected kid will do that to you. It wasn't long before I was attending church every Sunday and youth group every Friday.
Looking back, I can say that my "faith" was not real. I wanted to belong more than I wanted to believe. After 2 years of trying, I left the church. I turned to Wicca and got pretty wild after that. Not as wild as, say, my brother, but still not what you'd expect if you had just met me today. The fairly typical teen sex, late nights and wild driving.
By age 18, I had met Mr. P. I was still a professing Wiccan, but mostly in my heart I knew I was atheist. After the life I'd had, I saw no proof of any god, let alone a loving one. The years went by and all of a sudden we were facing the trial of our lives. I think having the kids taken is what made me start to feel like I needed something to lean on in life.
It was right after I had first cheated on Mr. P. (and if any of you out in TV land are confused now, see my post Mice in the Hole) that I had come across a group of born-agains while I was searching out more partners online. I mostly enjoyed harassing them, but after 3 months had gone by, one of them insisted on buying me a Bible. I figured I'd take it to shut them up, and to fight fire with fire. Gotta know your enemy and all that, right?
That was Decenber '05. I actually did start to read the Bible but didn't want to glean anything from it. Well aside from ammunition. ;) I'm still not sure just how much I was resisting or how badly God wanted me on His side, but by March '06 I knew I could no longer deny the Truth of what I had been reading. Although the people I had gone to harass did not entirely believe me, I prayed the sinners' prayer one night that month in my bedroom and accepted the free gift of salvation in Christ Jesus. My kids were taking their bath, and I'll never forget crying while whispering to Jesus, hearing the boys' laughter and splashing.
So yay now I was saved. What then? I really stumbled along, not knowing what to do. I kept up online fellowship for awhile. This was part of the death knell for my marriage. The man who led me to Christ ended up stealing my heart. I still do not know what the purpose was in all of that, but I sure am glad I woke up and listened to God in the end. As my faith grew stronger, my relationship with Mr. P. grew weaker. Back then, he was a self-proclaimed "agnostic with Wiccan tendencies". As you can imagine, this caused some problems in relating to each other on top of what we were already going through.
Eventually, we did almost divorce. I praise God for pulling us back from that brink! We decided to completely ditch the particular chat we used back then that brought so much grief. It took a lot of heartache and near-loss of everything dear to me before I would realize just how stupid I was to insist on a "friendship" with "T", the one who caused me much inner turmoil. We have not spoken since last summer, and I can honestly say I no longer think of him. Well unless I am writing of the past. LOL.
During that time, my faith took a real hit. It has only been since last June that I have begun to attend church. And in August, I was baptized. While I do struggle day to day with all things concerning faith and religion, I do know I want my children raised in the church. I want to run this race til the end. No matter how many times I may fall, no matter how badly I screw up, Jesus is there to pick up the pieces. And that has not been an easy lesson to learn. It's something I learn again each day. I think by the time my days are through, I will be able to say that I have learned at least most of what the Lord would have me learn. At least that is my hope.

1 Squeaks from the Maze:

Dani said...

Wow... thank you so much for sharing that. You have come so far! I pray that you grow in your relationship with God and that your marriage continues to strengthen and heal.


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